SHOT OUT OF A CANNON, IN A WAY

As I said at the time …

What’s amazing that I was able to somehow go from oh-so-white-middle-and-working-class high school to the hippie realm in a span of just four years. Could it even be the same person? Damn, I’ve been lucky at times!

Here she was, the three-day (or however many) cheerleader from the Biggest City in America, now with me, the Eagle Scout and one-time biochemist hopeful turned flower-child yogi from a place I thought was hilly. Me, the one some had hoped would become a minister, now turned agnostic/logical positivist, with someone who’d grown up at leftist rallies. Sounds like something they’d shoot out of a cannon at the circus while you applauded.

Should we talk about who was greener, in the sense of naïve, when we met?

But she came at the turning point. One where our shared idealism met at a crossing. And we were soon off, our own separate trajectories.

Fortunately, we parted on speaking terms. And still do.

HARDLY WHAT I’D ANTICIPATED

Here I am, a little more than three years since formal “retirement,” though I hardly feel retired, whatever that is.

As I mentioned the other day, I’d long anticipated this time in my life as one of intensified spiritual and literary focus. What’s been happening is something altogether different, and from my inner perspective, what I’m feeling is a sensation bordering on spiraling out of control. Or maybe it’s just sliding into oblivion or the like.

Earlier there were a few patches where I had a taste of what I thought my life would be like these days. Much reading, attending free concerts at the neighboring university or jazz night at a now defunct downtown spot, preparing dinner and then meeting my wife when she got off work (well, at least she’s home full-time now – yay!). But then I started spending much of that space working random shifts at the newspaper before the pension kicked in and then, well, as I’ve also noted, I took up new, unforeseen activities like singing in a first-class choir, swimming laps in the indoor pool, and blogging plus its related social media.

The daily nap, for several reasons, just hasn’t materialized, and I’m not taking days “off” to head into the mountains or rove the seashore. (You did catch the glitch in trying to get away, as if I’m still tied down to an office?)

My joke is that I’m not retired, it’s just that my work’s not generating an income. Think of Donald Hall’s distinction among Work, Jobs, and Chores – or what Gary Snyder’s called the Real Work. If I look closely, I have to admit to spending more time on that focus these days, no matter how much more I’d wish to devote.

Could it be I just have never intended to follow a course that more closely resembles the stereotype of retirement? Things like golfing and extended leisurely travel and nights playing cards at the club? Let’s be honest, that’s not me. By the way, gardening is hardly a hobby around here, so don’t consider it along the lines of retiree at play. In the ashram, we called it Karma Yoga — part of life in our holy boot camp. The mere memory of that puts other things in focus, reconnecting me to early adulthood and the pathway since. So here we are.

Well, if I ever get bored, I guess there’s always politics. It might be fun becoming the cranky protester at public meetings or holding a sign at the intersection of Washington Street and Central Avenue. Maybe that’s closer to my expectations, after all. Maybe in another decade?

STILL LOOKING FOR A WORKING ROUTINE OR BALANCE

Years before I left formal employment, I’d occasionally try to sketch out daily and weekly routines I might follow once found myself free (that is, retired or in some other way financially independent). Usually this exercise would arise as part of my annual year-end review and year-ahead planning, an event that included drafting my Yule letter to family and friends.

I remember my wife’s reaction on chancing across one of those, once I’d remarried. She thought I’d left a lot out – essentially, I’d overlooked all the important stuff, and not just more time for the two of us to spend together. These days, I think she’s right, and that’s even before I reopen any of those proposals.

What I’d envisioned was more time for meditation, yoga, reading, and reflection – none of which have manifested, by the way – plus deep pockets for writing and serious literary enterprise accompanied by intensified Quaker activity. Whatever I’d considered for home maintenance, inside or out, now appears totally inadequate. And that’s before adding time for activities that weren’t on the horizon in the earlier grid sheets – choir (which occupies most of one afternoon and evening), my daily laps in the pool, and blogging and other social networking.

Maybe downsizing to a smaller house would free up something, but just thinking of that effort’s intimidating.

I remember pondering what kind of schedule would work best for me – a rather strict daily round, but that somehow always seemed to shortchange something, or a more flexible weekly one based on blocks of time, somewhat the way an attorney bills clients for hours worked. As I recall, that seemed to settle into two-hour blocks for most of the activities, with the option, for example, of using all five of my literary blocks for the week in a single day or stretching them out.

Let’s just say I’m still looking for a workable system. My late-night commute to Boston for choir throws the next day out of whack, I’m still not napping in the afternoon, the best swimming slot depends on what opens up around the indoor pool’s schedule of teams and clubs, and rising early is something that fits best with my wife’s natural rhythms and my creative energy flow. And that’s before we get to something like trying to help the carpenter in major house renovations or addressing an unexpected emergency of crisis (aren’t they all unexpected?).

I’m thinking, too, of the many different ways individual writers approach their use of time. Some, like Jack Kerouac, would go off on binges – two weeks of nearly no sleep to pound out a frenzied draft, followed by months of recovery – while others put in their daily “butt time” at the keyboard, as Charles Bukowski phrased it. I prefer the latter, though in my employed years often had to indulge in the Kerouac method over holidays, weekends, and vacations.

Perhaps my central concern here is that without some structure – a daily routine, a weekly pace, a monthly and yearly calendar, nothing of note will be accomplished. I harbor a nagging suspicion somewhere – could it be a seed of Protestant guilt carried from childhood? – that the endless interruptions of life will engulf and swamp any greater ambition? (Or is it even, as one beloved uncle has sensed, that we Hodsons have never known how to have fun?)

So here I am, needing to dress for the day and charge out into the garden as promised.

One thing I can definitely say: Everything takes longer than planned.

LONG AND WILD AGAIN

Not all that many years ago some people close to me reacted strongly to a jest that I was thinking of growing a ponytail. Well, they didn’t threaten to murder me if I did. It was more like a promise.

They wouldn’t believe I’d actually had one, back in the day.

No, it wasn’t until my old housemate from after college visited and confirmed my description that their resistance evaporated.

I still can’t get used to the reality that in place of his own huge blond Afro he’s now completely bald, by the way, although I suspect that reality played into what happened after he and his wife left for home.

I let my hair grow, at least what’s left of it.

As one of those close to me said in relenting, Well, if you’re writing hippie novels, you may as well look the part.

Ahem.

Or reliving a part of the experience. Or calculating the odds that I’m in a range where one diagnosis could lead to chemo and then … or even that I might shave my head in sympathy with someone else who’s undergoing chemo. Or even that this might look better than a comb-over, and that was even before the Donald started crowding our news pictures with his own atrocious mop.

In other words, I had a premonition of now or never.

Well, that was over a year ago.

While my hair’s growing much more slowly than it did when I was in my early 20s, the mane’s down to past my shoulders again, reminding me of what happens when it’s unfettered in the breeze or I’d be running. More often, it’s back in a ponytail, especially when I’m swimming.

But it’s nothing like I remember. It’s coarser now and tangles easily, for one thing. Then there’s all the thinness on top. At times, it’s even annoying. And there’s all the gray.

So even if it’s low maintenance and avoids trips to the barber, I’m wondering what’s next.

I guess I’m open to suggestion.

GARDENING, WEIRD WEATHER, AND INDOOR APHIDS

So here we are already in the month of May after what’s been an outright strange winter here in New England – and that’s even before we consider some broader and admittedly frightening American political developments. Whew! (I suppose.)

First off, those who scoff at the predictions of climatic instability should note that our region of the world just had its warmest winter on record, and while I’ve welcomed the break from shoveling tons of snow from our driveway, it comes at a price in terms of pests that would have normally been killed off and of perennial plants that took early hits as a result of false starts. I could point to my beloved fern beds or asparagus as cases in point, or the daffodils, which were poised to blossom when they were nipped by a night that dropped to 17 degrees Fahrenheit. It pains me to think of the way they buckled mid-stem and drooped. The only truly positive outcome I’d accept to date is the fact that our compost bin is not still frozen too tight to turn, sift, and spread on our beds. On the other hand, our state’s ski industry took a hard financial hit, affecting regions that already could use substantial relief.

As for maple syrup? I hate to think of the price tag  when my current supply is emptied and it’s time for the next. It was a short run of sap from everything I’ve heard.

When I call this an nontraditional winter, I should add that I’ve been in the midst of some major home maintenance and interior remodeling, which I’ll detail in future posts, along with some other dramas of a more private nature. Family’s what it is, after all, along with some public affairs of a more local nature. Oh, yes, we had to go without supplementary wood heat, at least until that chimney’s fixed. Have I said anything about household expenses and supporting finances?

None of that’s kept us from looking ahead to summer, even if we wound up getting many of the seedlings started later than we would have liked – we did, after all, get the portable shelves and grow lights up in what’s otherwise our front parlor (aka the “library”) and then delighted in watching the green sprouts appear. At least until the next shock.

What we hadn’t previously encountered was aphids, first in the peppers and then the basil before they spread as far as my African violets. We’ve been using a soapy spray as an organic counteraction, but it’s still unsettling.

At least our early peas are in the ground and looking happy as they pop their heads up underneath their elegantly stringed frames in the side of our yard we call The Swamp.

As I draft this, James Levine is making his final appearance as music director of the Metropolitan company in Manhattan and from the overture of Mozart’s “Abduction from the Seraglio” as I listen to the broadcast, let me add my vote to his laurel as the greatest opera conductor ever. The details, to my ears, are amazing. All of this takes me back, too, to our shared roots in southwest Ohio and rumors of his budding talent. So much as transpired since then.

Random impressions, then. Now, back to whatever is in front of us!

OVER THE YEARS OF SITTING SILENTLY WITH OTHERS

When I first took up the practice of meditation, my goal was to get high – a natural, chemical-free experience, but a kind of escape all the same.

Moving to the ashram took that a step further. The goal became to transcend this mundane experience, entering into hours of unconscious ecstasy and returning to daily life with a heavenly vision.

Over the years, though, the practice has shifted. Yes, I still value those moments of natural high and clarity and oneness with the universe, but my bigger aim these days is to get grounded. To sit and move in that which is eternal, or my true nature. To be open to the divine around me. To be authentically loving and kind and …

The practice itself still means sitting with others in silence. That hasn’t changed!

REGARDING THE EXISTENCE OF SPIRITUAL REALITY

A materialistic outlook misses so much. As does an emphasis on concrete reality or causality.

How would you explain love, for starters? Much less admit passion? Why does music move us the way it does? And pain, be assured, is more than a neuro-chemical calculation. Why does social injustice to others spur our own anger? How could those who own all the creaturely comforts ever feel lonely?

The materialistic reaction to these, I suspect, prompts what we call addiction. Though it’s not always to alcohol, tobacco, illicit drugs, food, or even sex.

For liberation, a spiritual dimension will open. Or else.

COMING UNPLUGGED FOR A WEEKEND – OR IS THAT UNSTUCK?

One of those interludes when our Internet connection crashed – this one lasting more than a weekend – had me reflecting on how embedded the Digital Age has become in our daily activity. And I’m not even one of those who’s texting much or has his ears plugged into thin wires except rarely.

On one hand, apart from a bit of twitchy readjustment, it was rather liberating. I found myself catching up on a stack of magazines and a couple of books and just hanging out in the house.

On the other hand, though, I wasn’t getting my emails or making sure scheduled blog posts had run properly, much less interacting with the comments or our WordPress Reader. For that, I wound up running out to the nearby Panera for late Sunday afternoon pastry and WiFi.

Still, I’m uneasy about all these digital changes in our lives. There’s too much else right at hand we seem to be missing. Just a thought. As for you?

ON THAT CONSERVATIVE LABEL

There were times I’d joke, “I’m the most conservative person around here,” back when I worked for what was often called an ultraconservative newspaper.

In some ways, I’m not that far from the Amish, at least in my sympathies, and you can’t get more conservative than that. Apart from my electronics gear and some original artwork, my household at the time was plainer than some of the old-order Mennonites I visited. I’m appalled by waste of any kind, and have been frugal by choice and necessity. You can guess what kind of cars I drive — it took me a long time to accept air conditioning over rolled-down windows. In the political sphere, I’m very much in favor of cutting government spending in the one place it’s truly bloated and out-of-control. (The part that doesn’t get audited.) In the realm of the mind, I love old-fashioned music (classical, opera, folk, jazz) and serious literature – the lofty visions of civilization I believe should be preserved for the future. Conservation and ecological awareness and sustainable economics and small-is-beautiful enterprises – don’t they all fit a true conservative outlook? And then there’s the garden and hiking and camping, all back to basics. My personal finances tend toward debt-free, apart from the mortgage and car payment. These days, many of my clothes come from yard sales. Gambling is out of the question. All that before we’d get to the radical Christian perspectives from the Bible (not legalistic mind you, but prophetic).

None of the candidates insisting they’re conservative seem to fit the daily description, even while insisting everyone conform to their political label. Long ago, I learned to look at actions more than words when it comes to trusting a person. Do they match up?

I just wish they’d call their strand something else, something more accurate. Or change their direction to fit the broader picture.