Among my personal fears

 Don’t we all have demons?

  1. My fear of jumping in — of doing it wrong, an unfamiliar act
  2. or of falling, physically
  3. or in debt
  4. or on my proverbial face
  5. fear of being subsumed or losing freedom, especially in relation to others
  6. or feeling shamed when I make a mistake
  7. being left holding the bag or unable to get to a plane or train in time
  8. of things breaking down or not doing what they should
  9. unable to find the right word, as in trying to describe a high-tech snafu or somebody’s name
  10. Though not so much now that I’m retired on a marginal income.

Being unlovable has somehow fallen away.

 

With something uneasy in the air

 That time of the morning when there are neither stars nor sun and you wonder if it’s going to be cloudy.

THE CONFLICT
You will not forget
or learn
without forgiveness

HIGH COUNTRY
we don’t have to cross those glaciers …

the sharp air of clear feathers

Majestic Mount Rainier was the iconic center of the state. Photo by Kristen Ann via Pexels.

~*~

As I noted concluding another spiralbound of journal entries: Subterranean passages open only when it’s time or seeds sprout calling for blessing.

OK?

~*~

Something’s moving. Something’s always moving.

Often, you’re unsure of quite what.

How these journals begin is important. Each volume is seldom “ended” but rather trails off, running out of space or simply, somehow, sensing it’s time to pick up anew, afresh …

 

Photo of Yakima by Steve Groom via Wikimedia Commons.

~*~

TEFLON STREET

These people aren’t connected.

Materialism? “If you’re looking for someone with a perfect body, you’re never gonna get laid.”

Sometimes, if you listen
Frogs sing.
Depending.

20:V:79

Why is it called Dog Lake?

“Look at that face!”

Vol. 51, 21:VI:78

Another tall, tan-covered volume begins. A Progress “Big Un” from Bradner Central Co., Chicago

21:V:79

Looking back through these journals, how little office data I include: no dates for promotions or pay levels, for instance. Only the exhaustion. Perhaps that’s the real office.

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

How deeply were we, as a worship group, committed?

In reviewing these journals, I’ve been surprised how much earlier spring came there than it does in northern New England where I’ve lived the last four decades.

4:VI:78

While the rest of Friends were off camping, Kitty and I spent Saturday at home: sunbathing nude in our yard. Then Sunday, off to join them at McDaniel Lake / Meeks Table.

Ward raised the question of where our Meeting’s going and why it seems lacking … and became clerk, with a desire expressed for weekly worship … and discussion …

So that we may all grow together, share together, focus together, learn together \ Sangha de Sacre Sangre.

Ward admitting that in trying to live life fully, deeply, he has so much trouble in knowing and expressing his deepest self clearly …

Ivar hoping the men of the Meeting can get together once a month or so for a meal or whatever to share ourselves as men and get to know each other far better (the women, said he, seem able to do this where men usually don’t) … perhaps a work party, rotating among households?

Going up to the Table, Nancy asked about my beads, opening up a whole ashram rap … [was I still wearing these to the office, under my tie?]

 Near Horseshoe Bend (something becoming 1/3 of the horseshoe it was before the highway department cut it short), there clumps of blooming prickly pears were blossoming — incredibly beautiful — thin, waxy, pale yellow large petals enclosing large red stamins having yellow tips = amid flat-leaf oblong cacti with long spikes “deadly as a rattlesnake” — the buds are pink, for some reason. [It remains one of my favorite flowers.]

After a year of drought — driest year on record — rains came and the desert bloomed brighter, deeper than anyone could remember …

~*~

Sunday night, Quaker Meeting at the Grows’. Ward wondering if he can take on clerk responsibilities now that he’s been named chief-of-staff at the hospital. Today Kitty sez she thinks I’ll wind up as clerk this year. [Which is what happened. The only technicality was that I’d have to be a formal member of the Society of Friends, a step I hadn’t yet taken.]

In the latest 4th New Age Directory, I found nothing listed for Stroudsburg PA — is the Poconos Ashram experiment over? Old New Age people get thrown out or for a loop? Or has the ashram closed to outsiders (as per plan)? Now is not my time to break the silence with Swami. Or had I been ostracized?

Trying to write a Crossroads piece on Quarterly Meeting realizing how many simple words have taken on complex meanings only Friends can understand, including the overtones of “Meeting” or “Friend”

That session of QM was then held at Clear Lake, on our side of the Cascade Crest … first time ever that far east.

When the decision was made with trepidation to hold the QM session outside of the Puget Sound area, they feared low turnout — instead, had the largest attendance yet: 150 in a camp with 92 beds …

Kitty remarking later how many people she met shined.

~*~

Rippled by reaction to movement toward preparative meeting status. We’re been crying out for help but only to ourselves. We’ll see if I become clerk, as Ward has proposed. (Kitty wishes someone would simply take charge and do it.)

The QM gathering gave me faces for names I had heard.

~*~

Sunday, I was approved as clerk … still as junior swami, right?

~*~

Zenny, visiting over the weekend with a cider press: “salvation” akin to Zen “kensho,” a rebirth of spirit or awakening.

Next QM at Fort Warden: should I arrange a reading that Saturday night in Port Townsend?

 

The state ferries on Puget Sound were a highlight of many of our trips to the “wet side” of the Cascades, especially when we were going beyond Seattle. I’ve long considered such ferry rides as a “poor man’s cruise.” Here’s one with the Olympic Peninsula’s Mount Pershing, Jefferson Peak, Mount Cruiser, Mount Skokomish and Mount Stone in a photo by Tiffany Von Arnim. Often, though, clouds, rain, and fog obscured their appearance. Port Townsend was a repeated destination.

~*~

How hard it is to dwell in my own heart, keep peace, radiate from there. How hard to “know my own landscape,” my own resources, to “live at home” and not “go to town for stimulation.”

Or is it simply that I’m trying to cover too much ground?

~*~

Mtg, First-day, seems we’re getting a “2nd group” in contrast to the original “evening group” — morning core of Truebloods, Jean, Barbara Rankin, Becky, Cathy, Eric, and me. Perhaps now our “Brothren” Friends Emily and Roger, too.

We were on a schedule that alternated Sunday morning worship at the YWCA, same time and place as the Unitarians on one week with Sunday evening gatherings in homes the next. The morning’s were downtown, easily accessible for newcomers. The evenings included potluck dinners and a more social setting that also gave us the earlier part of the day to explore the outdoors, as we were inclined to do. Or, if needed, to sleep in late.

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

Poets and more poets

In E’burg, met a poet — Richard Danner — who couldn’t put his wife in a poem until they split, after 12 years of marriage, allowing him to write a book, Single Space. And how jealous they became of the other’s writings.

There’s a dilemma of consider her as an objective subject to be, um, exploited.

Maybe some things deserve to remain private.

Pflum said the words he likes to use are the conditionals: if, then, because, ad infinitum: the words of logic, of possibility, of thought itself …

Yet they often dilute the action. Somehow, they work for him, though.

Kentucky Fried Movie opens with the line, “The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in,” and deteriorates from there.

I have so many overdue books from the library yet don’t want to return them just now.

The Ellensburg library has a whole set of early Cetra opera LPs. Unlike Yakima’s.

20 Apr

Finished the longpoem.

Kitty phoned, depressed, wouldn’t say why.

Why do I put up with it?

Off to the office. [Was I journaling early a.m., after meditation etc.?]

Flow of revisions, largely the Leonard Springs pieces …

Cherries deep red, about to be picked …

Perfection versus sterility

The bounty of the prairie: abide in it

Milton! Getting down to him at last … his head and heart going in opposite directions … damn theology but his heart betraying that in the few moments it can. He was blind to more than vision.

Ideas for revising Native tales: use Bob White or even Rbt. White for quail. Logger, Cutter, even Sawyer for beaver. Cops, FBI, CIA, spooks for monsters or evil spirits. Lawyers for lazy characters or blue jays. Jesus for coyote. Update and urbanize, satirize modern society. Consider quaint spellings for Wyatt, Philip, Sidney, William, Dunbar, etc.

Weave in some glare and grime.

In English poetry, the weight of Christian doctrine closing the range of thought and sensibility to a single, predictable line. Thus, the wonder of Blake’s singular accomplishments.

20:VI

A letter from Copper Canyon Press, wanting to publish my book if “patronly folks” will come through with “essential cash” … great letter, exciting potential (retitle and some revising) …

Also, from Celeste, a tearsheet from a Seattle weekly reinterpreting the Mexican movie Chac, about a “diviner” who carves out his own heart at the end: this piece now viewing the events through Native perspectives … {We had seen the movie at one of Seattle’s art film houses.]

My compulsive reading, a suppressed hunger

 Revising poems with a tape recorder … a whole new perspective …

 24 Sept Sunday

Heard Bill Stafford read last night in E’burg at Washington State Poets Assn or some such … Grimes and Bodeen were there to sell Yakimas that had just come out the day before. Audience mostly elderly, stout ladies who sighed over lines and applauded single works. I get tired of so many short pieces that fail to break through the prose barrier and do the magic in the backcountry of so much of today’s verse, the realm so few have entered. Grimes said Stafford had done an amazing reading at Cedar Falls, hardly said a word except for what he read, but here he was explaining each one or offering some kind of patter for it. I said he was playing to his audience, and BG agreed fully. Two pitchers of beer for Grimes and me, Bodeen ordering root beer — “this tastes like tomato juice” — getting red beer instead, finally settling on strawberry. First time since he was 17 he’d gone a week without alcohol — “ttat’s seven days, not five,” Grimes explained.

The owner said he had hired Kitty “to give the joint some class”

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

Reach for the heights

There were no mountains where I grew up, but even then, they rose in my imagination.

Here are ten related perspectives.

  1. “The summit is what drives us, but the climb itself is what matters.” — Conrad Anker
  2. “There’s no glory in climbing a mountain if all you want to do is to get to the top. It’s experiencing the climb itself — in all its moments of revelation, heartbreak, and fatigue — that has to be the goal.” — Karyn Kusama
  3. “I learn something every time I go into the mountains.” — Michael Kennedy
  4. “Going to the mountains is like going home.” — John Muir
  5. “Fresh air is as good for the mind as for the body. Nature always seems to be trying to talk to us as if she had some great secret to tell. And so she has.” — John Lubbock
  6. “Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.” — Henry David Thoreau
  7. “It is in the wild places, where the edge of the earth meets the corners of the sky, the human spirit is fed.” — Art Wolfe
  8. “Birds have always had the ability to bring me out of a dark space and provide relief in bad times.” — Jason Ward
  9. “Not just beautiful, though — the stars are like the trees in the forest, alive and breathing. And they’re watching me.” — Haruki Murakami
  10. “Embrace your local nature — it’s not necessarily going to look like these mountain-top moments. There’s so much more than just the baseline of what you think exists. You probably know the biggest park in your city, but you probably don’t know a park that’s within a mile of your house that would blow your mind.” — Pattie Gonia