I wish I could articulate these feelings more clearly, but this seems to be the best I can do at the moment – maybe the counseling will bring new clarity as I delve deeper into my own emotions and dark side. Owning up to a lot of buried resentment (anger) has been a very difficult task, as is seeing how it has weaseled through so much of my outlook and actions.

As for thy question about dress, thee knows that plainness and simplicity are different. Thy daughter convinced me that plainness has meaning when it’s an expression of community – the concept of a city set upon a hill implies a people, and this isolated Quaker isn’t even part of a family in that way. Plainness would make me less likely to find the other half of that family base, too, from what I see. So in finally breaking down and ordering myself some new clothes (really the first time for that since before my marriage; my now-ex-wife bought me clothes after that, and in Rehoboth what I obtained was work-related), it turns out that with the exception of my bright yellow windbreaker, all of my mod clothes would fit very nicely into an Amish quilt. So much for my breakout! By the way, my corduroy broadfalls from Gohn Bros. are the most comfortable slacks I’ve ever had, even without the zipper. No, I have no desire at this time to appear “separate from the world”; at this point that would create a needless barrier to people who have enough trouble trying to comprehend the message of the Gospel. What I am finding, though, is that I feel separate from the world – walking into a mall or Kmart can be like landing on Mars. The biggest difficulty in all of this is the loneliness that ensues from that lack of family and community, of that sense of relatedness and common purpose. (Another one of the therapy’s major fronts. Please stay tuned for further developments.)

~*~

For more Seasons of the Spirit, click here.

I’ve come to believe that our faith should enhance life, rather than deny it, but what I see too often in the lives of many religious people is the reverse. In other words, true religion should bring us freedom, not bondage.

Well, it’s obvious that our brother has slipped back into bondage, under the deception of seeing it as freedom. For whatever reasons, I’ve felt that his one lifeline has been the route to Quail Lane, and that the Lord was calling him to follow. If he set out on it and then turned away, it would be ten times harder for him to make the effort again – both his stubborn pride and a sense of unworthiness, guilt, or whatever, arising from having failed to be faithful to the calling, block his yielding. Whatever demons torment him, there’s one that makes him fear some aspect of Jack, especially; my guess is that he needs to be confronted with something in a very loving and yet powerful way, and he has known for some time that the labor will entail pain, even if the effort will in the long run be well worth it. Whatever Jack has to offer, he appears to be the one Friend who can stand up to our brother and the demons. (So much for Jnana’s pop psychology/exorcism.)

His present lacking a motorcycle is encouraging news. My major concern at the moment comes from a fear that he has returned to his old drug habits and culture. The recent job history seems to point in that direction.

~*~

For more Seasons of the Spirit, click here.

So we can’t really stay in that circle, secure as it might be. Honestly, your Zorba and my Elektrik Bleu would chafe too much under an imposed discipline. As it is, there’s just not enough time or freedom to satisfy our creative endeavors or passions. Much less all the community service we require of ourselves.

Our dilemma is in wanting all the benefits of Old Order or monastic communion, with few of its restrictions.  (Never mind our own relentless self-discipline.)

Now, in our own households, with our gardens and mates and children, we live decades later.

The landscape really is a maze, after all.

Oh, vicar! Said the clerk, kayaking with the physician, too.

Actually, I wonder.

When I lived in the ashram, we heard stories of Americans who’d gone to India and found it impossible to return to the U.S.A., in large part because of the secular emphasis here, rather than the God-intoxication there.

It’s equally difficult to be left hanging in transition, as I feel I am these days.

But we need to be faithful in resting in the Lord “centering” in the Lord, as we might translate much of Hebrews rather than leaning on others to do the spiritual warfare for us.

My Bible opened on 1 Corinthians 3 and 4 in Meeting First-day last, and I was struck by the way Paul emphasizes our role in being co-laborers with God, rather than trying to do it all ourselves or expecting Him to do it all for us.

(It was not the passage I was trying to locate!) When I came to the passage, “Already you have all you want!” my mind instantly began its litany of desires: book publication, family, home, recognition, close circle of friends, and so on.

Then, when I had centered again, the passage re-translated itself as “you already have everything you need,” which is all the more intriguing now that I’ve looked up other translations of the same passage (1 Corinthians 4:8) – there’s a big difference between desires and needs, and between being filled with food or enriched and being hungry or impoverished. We can do much more when we’re fed or have the riches to invest than when we’re starving and beggarly.

The hidden, spiritual turns that happen in the life of the faithful often amaze us, and yet they seem so natural.

Thee speaks of the ways the doors to Plainness have opened to thee, even when thee thought them closed, and I could speak of the ways I was drawn back to family roots I had been totally ignorant existed in the Quaker, Brethren, and Mennonite origins of the Hodgsons and Ehrstines, all the way back.

It’s no accident.

~*~

For more Seasons of the Spirit, click here.

As I wrote at the time:

It’s the third straight day of temperatures above ninety, with humidity to match. Still, we’ve avoided a miserable July this year, and the heat has not locked itself into the house: we’ve been able to cool everything overnight. What strikes me is that we’re no longer floored by the oppression. We simply move slower, more deliberately. Avoid using the oven. (We’ll grill outdoors this afternoon.)

In other words, we’ve adjusted ourselves to seasonal change.

Come winter, we’ll have to brace ourselves all over again for biting cold. What will be bitter in November or December will instead feel balmy come February or March.

At the office, I know that any sharp change in the weather brings an increase in obituaries. We can joke about the shift that sends those who are barely hanging on over the edge, but the numbers support us. People in climate-controlled chambers all the same responding to minor shifts in barometric temperature or dew points, all the same. Do we inhale and exhale something other than air?

Spaces I’ve entered where silent prayer or meditation are already under way all felt set apart from their surroundings. I’ve sometimes described it as diving into water and swimming beneath the surface or like entering a pressurized rare-book library.

Returning to the ashram and its grounds after being away presented a similar sensation, as have old Quaker meetinghouses, even years after their regular use.

Live within that energy, and you no longer notice it – it’s simply the way life is. Leave it, though, and you can feel you are falling through space, for weeks on end.

~*~

For more Seasons of the Spirit, click here.