I wish I could articulate these feelings more clearly, but this seems to be the best I can do at the moment – maybe the counseling will bring new clarity as I delve deeper into my own emotions and dark side. Owning up to a lot of buried resentment (anger) has been a very difficult task, as is seeing how it has weaseled through so much of my outlook and actions.
As for thy question about dress, thee knows that plainness and simplicity are different. Thy daughter convinced me that plainness has meaning when it’s an expression of community – the concept of a city set upon a hill implies a people, and this isolated Quaker isn’t even part of a family in that way. Plainness would make me less likely to find the other half of that family base, too, from what I see. So in finally breaking down and ordering myself some new clothes (really the first time for that since before my marriage; my now-ex-wife bought me clothes after that, and in Rehoboth what I obtained was work-related), it turns out that with the exception of my bright yellow windbreaker, all of my mod clothes would fit very nicely into an Amish quilt. So much for my breakout! By the way, my corduroy broadfalls from Gohn Bros. are the most comfortable slacks I’ve ever had, even without the zipper. No, I have no desire at this time to appear “separate from the world”; at this point that would create a needless barrier to people who have enough trouble trying to comprehend the message of the Gospel. What I am finding, though, is that I feel separate from the world – walking into a mall or Kmart can be like landing on Mars. The biggest difficulty in all of this is the loneliness that ensues from that lack of family and community, of that sense of relatedness and common purpose. (Another one of the therapy’s major fronts. Please stay tuned for further developments.)
For more Seasons of the Spirit, click here.