ADAPTING TO THE MODERN FAMILY

Finding adequate terms to define someone in a contemporary family relationship can be elusive.

I don’t mean the euphemistic police blotter application of “live-in girlfriend” to the mother of the suspect’s latest child or its transformation to “his fiancee” after the birth of their second or third.

What I’m thinking would fit situations like “my wife’s ex-father-in-law” when he’s still on very good terms, unlike his son, the ex. While still roundabout, calling him “my kids’ grandfather” turns into the most direct description, though it takes a few seconds to register.

Then there are the extensions. Consider the favorite sister-in-law of a favorite brother-in-law, when she’s part of the active scene you share. Have we ever had terms that fit there? Now try “my ex-brother-in-law’s ex-wife” before twisting it further into “ex-wife’s new husband.”

When families scatter across today’s continent or the world, keeping track of even first-cousins can be vaporous. That’s largely ancient history.

Genealogists have charts to assist in determining third-cousins from fourth- or fifth-, along with the “times removed.” Anyone ready to tackle something similar for today’s all-too-fluid familial connections?

NORTHWEST OASIS

Three hundred sunny days a year in a fertile land may seem like Paradise.

But it’s surrounded by desert. And every irrigated ribbon of orchards was a relief.

~*~

In rain on Mount Cleman, sage and conifers become cloud wisps treading updrafts. Black talus glistens. The mountain’s so quiet that what seemed important hardly matters any more. Boulders float past the relics of the lookout, elevation 4,884. Step away. Over the edge, where black scree cascades, the carbon rods and oxidizing metal loops and plates of electrical batteries from some previous decade are now scattered among elk and deer scats. On downed trees and furry branches, too. A battered coyote skull stares up between shellrock. The mountains gasp repeatedly in their wrinkled embrace of limbs stretching out from the forest. Cupping vistas of orchards and rivers, the desert yawns.

~*~

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Kokopelli 1

 

LESSONS IN PICKING BERRIES

“You’re a gardener?” I’m occasionally asked, only to reply, “Not really. My wife is. I’m the compost master – and I like to eat.”

Well, I also do a lot of the harvest. The planning, vision, and execution, though, are entirely hers. Along with the shoebox of seed packets.

Each summer, though, one lesson keeps coming back to me when it comes time to pick ripe berries. Well, sugar snap peas, too. It’s a reminder of patience and human imperfection. I like to think of myself as observant, but what I keep noticing is that no matter how thoroughly you think you’ve harvested a particular bit – say a square foot or two – once you move over a step, you’ll see you’ve missed some. Often, more than a few. Someone can come along behind you and find you’ve missed almost as many as you collected. Seriously. Don’t be offended, it’s simply a fact of reality. Call it a lesson in humility. And a lesson in the importance of assuming multiple perspectives — something that definitely applies to the revisions of poetry and fiction or the reading of a good text, even Scripture.

Picking blueberries this morning, I sat in a lawn chair much of the time – one knee has been especially painful if I kneel just so. The chair had nothing to do with laziness. Rather, it allowed me to get under the foliage. To lift each branch and see the ripe berries hiding underneath the thickness of leaves. So another lesson has to do with getting a view from ground level, or as close to it as you can. Too often we like to look at life from the top down, not that it doesn’t help. Rather, it’s only one of several approaches — and in harvesting here, you’ll need a handful.

Another lesson, seen most recently in our raspberries, is an admission you can have them all. Some are in places you just can’t reach, especially when they’re surrounded by prickly stalks. So those we’ll share with the wildlife, once the netting’s off. There’s no need to get greedy. Persistent and careful are another matter.

Which brings up a lesson in defense. You have to remain vigilant. No matter how well you think you’ve secured the netting, a few birds or squirrels (especially) will find a way through. Or just sit on top and glean what’s in reach.

That part has me remembering a detail I never included in my Hippie Trails novels. The farm in front of ours had a commercial blueberry operation with some of the bushes not more than a hundred feet or so away from my bedroom window. Once the berries started to ripen, its water cannon would start booming every few minutes. The sound was supposed to frighten the birds away. I can’t remember if the noise continued 24/7 or ceased for the night, but it did take some getting used to. As for the tranquil countryside? Oh, you city folk, you’re in for a rude awakening there. Unlike our little city farm (huh, should that be our little little-city farm?) that’s delightfully quiet on this Saturday morning. Apart from the joyous birds’ singing.

Oh, yes, there’s the lesson of generosity and sharing. I’m tightfisted by nature, so this always needs practice. But eating them with others rather than alone is essentially far more pleasurable. Or taking the bowl you just collected and handing it to a cook who, after a moment of happy admiration, transforms them into fresh scones and tarts before the whole household has stirred?

Don’t overlook the lesson of discomfort, either. If it’s not mosquitoes, it’s blazing sun or a drizzle. It’s rarely perfect. So be tolerant and grateful. Oh, yes, and when it’s perfect? Appreciate the glorious moment. The King of France never had it so good.

 

RUNNING THROUGH CHEATGRASS

The grass grew tall in tawny tufts. One bunch here, another over there. Sometimes in the company of sagebrush.

~*~

Here a man will learn to pace himself more steadily. To watch for the rattlesnake, especially at river’s edge. To recalibrate his vision to the American Far West, where natural beauty assumes such spectacular proportions few notice the thinness at hand. The spider will teach all this. Clarity, like the desert itself, strips away to essentials. Sweeps away clutter. In what appears sparse, the man will gaze for episodes of miniature grace. Even elegance.

~*~

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DESERT DANCES

Appealing to the heavens for rainfall was only one of the reasons for dancing. Your feet could pray as well as your hands in this landscape.

~*~

Somehow, the novice begins dancing, if only in his head. Something simple, at first, until familiarity gains ground. Feet, legs, torso, arms, and hands eventually follow. A reel leads into a jig. Thought and emotions balance. Head and heart dialogue. With confidence comes freedom. More and more, the aspirant concentrates on partners or the group or motion itself, rather than his own next step or position. The music becomes more textured, until the hornpipe stands as the liveliest structure. So it’s been in this landscape. This is not just any desert, for there’s nothing generic about any detail encountered closely. With both people and places you come to know dearly, you find nuances and subtle contradictions will blur any sharp image. It’s easier to describe someone or something you meet briefly than what you know intimately. To say desert is dry and sunny misses the point, especially if you arrive in winter. At first, like so many others, we didn’t even consider this valley as desert, for it has no camel caravans or mounds of shifting sands with Great Pyramids on the horizon. One word or phrase can be misleading. Even the Evil Stepmother from folklore and fairy tales must have possessed some redeeming qualities. Could we be more specific than “evil”? Simply selfish? Or was she mean, jealous, domineering, afraid of whatever, from the wrong party? Suppose she was really a victim of some deep abuse? The portrait changes. Has anyone detailed how she dances? In the end, it’s either entertainment or worship, depending on the individual’s orientation.

~*~

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URBAN AND OTHER WILDLIFE

As I said at the time …

We had enjoyed a glorious summer afternoon of swimming and canoeing at Pawtuckaway and, leaving the state park, we stopped by a tranquil reflecting pond to take photographs of a large beaver lodge. With my girlfriend behind me as while walked the frequently used trail at the edge of the woods, I heard her voice just as we were coming upon a grassy stretch: “Hey, this is a marshy area and that’s where SNA …” I half turned to reassure her that she wouldn’t see a snake, it happens very rarely in the outdoors, unless you’re really looking for them; consider how few times I’ve seen them in the wild and how far I’ve explored. But when I caught her expression the same moment I heard a slithering in the grass ahead of me and whipped my head about to see the last half of a vigorously moving reptile flash across the pathway a half dozen feet ahead, I wasn’t surprised when I heard her say, “I’m getting out of here. I’ll meet you at the car.” Actually, my biggest surprise was in how rational see was being, considering the depth of her fear. This is the same woman who, several weeks earlier, had nearly ripped another friend’s arm in half with her paralysis when a similar situation arose at Walden Pond. I’ve never before been with anyone who can call snakes from their lairs.

A week or two later, as we were walking about, looking for a restaurant in Boston’s Back Bay, I noticed two little critters playfully wrestling on an ivy-lined entryway to a church. Thinking they were chipmunks, I said, “Oh, look,” and as she turned her head, I saw in that fearful slow motion that they had long tails. Rats! Before I could divert her attention …

DIGGING OUT INTO SUMMER

Now that winter’s over, some of us are finding difficulty in trying to shift gears. Yes, the snow’s finally melted, but that’s not how I feel.

I suppose officially I’ve been enduring a mild depression, though for me that means mostly emotional numbness along with some simmering anger. Call it the blahs. No need to go into details here, other than to admit there were a few complicating elements of chronic negativity in the air.

What does matter is the feeling of being stuck. Molasses. Even impoverished, no matter the reality.

Where’s the joy, the sunlight, the ongoing pleasure?

There have been small steps. The daily indoor swimming, for one. Yes, it’s still a daily effort but also an emerging sense of accomplishment and meeting some goals. I’ve also been growing my hair out, which is going much slower than the first time around – don’t know if I’ll keep it this way, either, just wanted to revisit that side of my hippie past. Still, the seemingly terminal winter chilled much of my desire to play with my Christmas-gift camera, even if I did get some shots I’ll likely post next winter. (I just didn’t want to put any more snow and ice up on the Web. It was getting tedious.) And there’s been some overdue reading, including a bout of Philip Roth, pro and con.

The question, on this merry-go-round? Well, a cluster of questions, actually.

What’s really at the center? Where’s my core energy? What do I have to offer to others? To the world? How do I become a better person, more open to others? More compassionate, especially? In other words, how do I more fully engage the spiritual life before me?

Time to turn some soil, transplant sprouts, plant some seeds. Ideally, helping others – or sharing companionship in the process.

In other words, here we go ’round again.

YET ANOTHER SCANDAL

Growing up, many of us were instructed that the Fourth Commandment, “Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain,” was a prohibition against using certain curse words, not all of them confined to four letters.

But that misses a much larger situation: those who arrogantly claim to know or do what God wants, even when that harms others or runs counter to Scripture.

Faithful action, from all I’ve seen, requires humility and compassion. As humans, any of us can be wrong or fail, especially when we mistake our egos for divine guidance.

Newer translations of Exodus 20:7, I sense, capture this difference by using “misuse” instead: “You shall not misuse the name of Yahweh your God, for Yahweh will not leave unpunished anyone who misuses his name” (New Jerusalem Bible). The New International version, meanwhile, finishes the line with “not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.”

Everett Fox, in his close-to-the-grain rendering, presents the passage this way: “You are not to take up the name of YHWH your God for emptiness, for YHWH will not clear him that takes up his name for emptiness.” In a footnote, Fox explains “take up … for emptiness” as “Use for a false purpose.”

I can’t help but think of this in light of the continuing news reports involving the cablevision series 19 Kids and Counting.

We’ve heard their lines of argument.

Now listen for the “will not leave unpunished” part of the commandment. Who’s standing up for the alleged victims? And where’s the true, full submission in place of arrogance? Let the tables turn rightly.

For now, the words fly. And fly. Can we ask how many are empty?

FRIENDLY WEEDS

“They’re weeds,” my wife says. In this case, adding, “We’ll let them fight it out.”

The idea of giving permission to certain uninvited plants to push out others no longer baffles me. Yes, I still retain the definition of a weed as being “nothing more than a flower out of place,” a concept first encountered back in my Boy Scout days; experience, however, has taught that not all weeds were created equal. Feisty agression and stamina, of course, are qualities separating a weed from domestic plants we’re actually attempting to nurture.

in reality, though, some weeds are easily seen as evil – poison ivy, for instance, or bindweed or the ground ivy that would easily overrun everything else we’re trying to raise. The gout weed invading from the neighbors’ side of the fence, despite its lovely flowers, is another. Add to that the thousands of maple sprouts we uproot each spring — they’re rather victims of landing in an area we’d rather not have return to forest quite yet.

My wife and I have had more than a few disagreements over what she considers weeds and what I happen to appreciate. Mint, for instance, with associations I have with hiking in the bluegrass region of Kentucky and pausing to drink cool spring water – although I’ve now come around to understand its ability to take over a bed if left unchecked. Wild strawberries, for another. In either instance, these are things one can eat. In other examples, we’ve actually transplanted some commonly defined weeds, such as Queen Anne’s lace, to corners of the yard that could use some blooming help. Others, such as the flowering forget-me-not and dame’s rocket, are largely encouraged to spread as they will, along with any number of self-seeding plants that technically are domestic but have in their own way run wild – sunflowers and calendula, especially.

These are lessons in discernment, tolerance, and discipline. Working a piece of ground for more than a few years gives exposure to plants one begins to recognize and automatically uproot while strolling through a patch, perhaps with an intention of eventually learning its name. Somewhere in my files is a Boston Globe page of common New England invasive plants – what I remember is that we have nearly all. What I didn’t expect when we moved to this plot was that I’d perceive a hierarchy of weeds. That is, ones I’ll tolerate one year, while focusing on more troublesome species. This year, for instance, I’ve been uprooting Virginia creeper as the marsh marigold flourishes. Last year, wild roses joined the list. Our wild asters, meanwhile, go largely unchecked.

One other consideration arises in the fact that we have pet rabbits. As a consequence, we see dandelion greens no longer as weeds but rather as a voraciously favored part of their cuisine, in season. (More recently, the greens have become part of our spring diet as well.) Tall grasses gone to seed at the edge of the yard likewise fit into their salad.

Fighting it out isn’t reserved solely for our friendly weeds. There are corners of our yard where a number of species are proliferating, leaving us uncertain which ones will predominate over time. Joe Pye weed in a Jerusalem artichoke patch, for instance. At the moment, I’m anticipating their succession of blossoms, a definite improvement over what was there when we moved in. It’s not the orderly beds I once envisioned, nor the Japanese gardens I’ve long admired, but it is a style I’ve come to appreciate and even encourage, in my own small way. It’s not quite survival of the fittest, except for “fittest at the table,” as food or as a floral cutting. Fight it out, then, with a referee.

LILACS

So when did this appreciation begin? When I lived in the orchard house, we had a big lilac bush at the corner of the yard – the one where the bees swarmed from the hive that one day.

But I think the real change happened that spring after my first marriage collapsed and I was finally in love again. I crowded the house with those cut blossoms and their fragrance. It’s enough to make me picture a blue silk kimono.

That was years ago, and many miles. Yet the lilacs are more precious than ever.

As I said at the time, when I lived in that last apartment, I vowed if I ever bought my own place, I’d get cuttings from a friend whose lilacs likely descended from the first ones brought to North America. Of course, I didn’t, and the owner has since moved into a retirement center.

Even so, these days, we have our own, screening the Smoking Garden from the street. One lilac had, in fact, grown as tall as the house – but hollow. It’s been work, restoring them to flowering condition.

Still, there’s nothing more luxurious than lilac cuttings arrayed in the bedroom, with their heavenly aroma.

So quickly, they pass.