Judith seemed very happy to see me today. Very warm, smiling, affectionate but once her eyes tightened, like those in Children of the Damned, her voice turned shrill, terrifying. So strange, she.
I’m smiling easier, more naturally than back in January. Am more on personal salvation than on social action as I was a year ago.
Want someone but see how birdy the girls I’ve met are: seek strength/entertainment for their man.
Marj’s sister Hana talks-talks-talks, of her problems, her shrink, anything and nothing, she won’t shut up. She runs to new things, won’t finish. [And yet, I must confess decades later, I really desired to fuck her. Jail bait notwithstanding.]
My first trip into Susquehanna PA.
Marj’s stuff litters the kitchen: typewriter, textbooks, notebooks; sink filled with dishes from Monday, at the least
Ran into Judith on my way to swim (which then didn’t happen). Did take her through the car wash, “I haven’t had so much fun in years,” and then to Ross Park, where the animals looked shaggy, sad, bored – awaiting children. Repeated the Susquehanna route, with the barren tree hillsides resembling female pheasants. The river was sparkling turquoise aflame.
Judith insisted on picking ferns, “I’m such a naturalist. They look so sick with these spoors.” And she nearly fell in the river.
Back at my apartment, she climbed into my bed. Skin feels so nice, and sex on a friendship-only basis isn’t so bad – not enough, but better than none.
Running into Judith on campus again, she’s tense. Wants to get involved with Carl. That’s her trip. Read Springhill Mine Disaster, which Judith dislikes. She’s really afraid to feel, keeps cutting me off. Bad noos!
~*~
I was investigating some pretty arcane sides of English language and literature:
~*~
With another Tuesday off, I stayed up till 1:30 or 2 – reading Snyder. Very peaceful, like nights at IU.
Picked up a hitchhiker, it was Judith, so crunched uptight. [Am surprised she would stick her thumb out, big city girl that she was.]
This reaction of not writing: a reaction to five years of primarily writing?
Swam a length in butterfly, a must stroke now: great for back muscles and arms.
T.J. said I’m an ascetic. At first, it pissed me, but as his sister insisted, it’s an honor.
Feeling much better, free from hassles, but still miss a woman.
But then Hana showed up, yakking about her neuroses but doing nothing …
Leaving lights on and cleaning up nothing. Small pride?
Ajax got a job at the Chinese restaurant.
Molly/Polly/and him: talky, talky.
Hana, Marj’s sister, wants to know if I’m keeping the apartment over the summer, she’s hoping to stay but drives me up the wall. “Yesterday was the first time in three days I’d been outdoors,” “What was the weather like?,” “I dunno.” She’s like a three-year-old, needs to be led by the hand; offered to help me take the garbage down but left it at the first landing. Makes messes, doesn’t clean up. Flipped out because this guy she liked danced with every girl at the party but her.
She enjoys the sick little girl role. The simplest yoga poses are beyond her concentration.
Esperanza was really beautiful and sexy at the Latino concert, but she and Len are arguing too much.
Somewhere by now, Polly had remarked on how schizoid my life was, torn between the demands of journalism and what she thought should be grad-school for me. I was living as a grad student, essentially, hanging out on campus and among a college crowd.
[Incinerated]
~*~
From Spiralbound Hippies, with commentary from now.
Jnana's Red Barn 