If I had become famous, some unfortunate scholars would likely be poring over my many pedantic, even ghastly, pages of scribbling in personal journals that I’m instead purging. Ceremoniously incinerating, here on the craggy coast, far from my native Midwest, in a pale imitation of a Viking pulling up his ship at the end of a long voyage that landed him or me in what emerged as the mid-Atlantic states and then led, by degrees, to the Pacific Northwest before inching backward and ultimately winding up in this remote island in Maine.
There is, by the way, evidence to argue that Vikings had indeed landed here along Passamaquoddy Bay.
I’m not speaking of my novels and poems, which I do believe need a supportive discovery or rediscovery, but rather my 200-plus volumes of personal journals.
Yipes!
Of course, had I instead become fabulously rich, some poor souls would be tending to these details and making them look brilliant. Vanity, vanity.
Oh, for the dreams, dashed dreams, of youth and a few decades following. I can’t speak for you, but for my part, adulthood has turned out to be quite different from anything I had anticipated.
Trying to understand how it happened is another matter. Even at the time, you might see things and note them but not realize their import. Coming across a detail like that years later can be stunning. What if?
MY JOURNALS CULLING is another step in downsizing, one prompted by trying to fit my books and recordings into my new bedroom. At my age, I’m also cognizant of the burden they would place on those who survive me, as the phrase in obituaries goes. Besides, most of my 200-plus volumes haven’t been opened and revisited in years – at least since my novels were drafted and revised. Just what the heck remained in them?
Early on, I had a custom of revisiting the previous year’s notations as part of a Christmas Greetings and New Year’s reflection, but even that fell away sometime around the time of my remarriage. Frankly, everything changed at that point. Everything before became ancient history, abetted by my memory sieve.
One of my goals for the past year was to read through my journals one last time, keyboarding any gleanings that might still be useful and letting go of the rest. For the first dozen-and-a-half years after I graduated from college, my journaling took place in inexpensive spiralbound notebooks, hence the title for the series I’m introducing. The entries cover my moves from Indiana University to Upstate New York, followed by the yoga ashram in the Poconos of Pennsylvania, back to a small rust-belt town in Ohio and then returning to Indiana before leaping to the interior desert of the Pacific Northwest, and then rebounding to a troubled steel town in the Midwest.
There are good reasons I keep seeing myself as a fortunate survivor. We have lived through some wild times.
AS I’VE ANNOUNCED, I’ll be drawing heavily on those early entries in the posts here in the coming year. So much has changed in American life in the past half-century, and not just for me. Readers from elsewhere can weigh in as they will.
As for the remaining decades of journals? Please stay tuned before I strike the match.
Jnana's Red Barn 