To my mind, one of the great questions about the human condition is just why an individual is romantically attracted to one person but not another.
We can start with physical attraction, of course, which opens a whole list of possibilities. Since I’ve always been a heterosexual male, I suppose my checklist would start with blonde, redhead, or brunette, although I must confess that on a few women, bald can be incredibly stunning. By the way, I happen to love long hair, which to my good fortune my wife possesses. We can move on to blue-eyed, true green, hazel, or brown eyes. And that’s even before we get to height or shape or … you get the picture.
Of course, things get really complicated after that. How much do we want the other to share our deepest interests, even to the point of being a mirror image of ourselves, and how much do we want them to differ? Where are the crucial points of commonality and mutual life’s mission – and how much deviation can we accept or allow? And just how do our emotional styles work together … or clash? What about our attitudes toward money, time, wealth, possessions? How much risk can we tolerate? And so on and on.
For me, keen intellect is essential. One who reads widely, at that. And then there is the spiritual side as well as strong ethics.
On top of it all, one of my measures, if pressed, would ask if this is someone I’d like to gaze on over the breakfast table. And, I could ask, is hers a voice I would always enjoy hearing. Would she always have fascinating stories and insights?
No matter how much I once tried to refine the list, though, something was always missing. In all my years between the collapse of my first marriage and the beginning of the one that counts, I came across a few women who were top candidates on paper but, when we were together, nothing clicked. So what was the missing magic? In the end, I still haven’t a clue.
I come back to this question of mutual attraction when I consider the Apostle Paul’s counsel, “Better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:9), and ask, “What if heterosexual marriage does not quench the burning?” My examination of Scripture long ago led me to conclude that the ideal of Christian marriage is not so much the bearing of children but rather the “suitable helpmeet” and that, in turn, points toward monogamy and a unique kind of balance I see as more than an equality in the relationship. You can see where I’ve landed on that debate.
Of course, that also spurs another question – one that involves keeping the focus and the flame strong. Anyone have any suggestions there? These are, after all, central enigmas of our human condition.
Jnana's Red Barn 
Someone described to me how whales pair off. They glide past each other touching. And something between two of them in different glidings with different whales “does it” – and they have babies and live happily ever after. I have always liked that picture.
Keeping the flame burning? Tend the fire. 🙂
Wow, how fascinating! I have never heard that before, but it does sound very beautiful.
🙂
Our cultural inheritance, be it religious, societal, ethnic, or some combination thereof, hobbles us and muddies up the waters I think. Since I am a Torah keeper, my perspective on monogamy is different, and I am not sure that ‘love’ as a term is not overused. Your resonant statement though, was ‘ask if this is someone I’d like to gaze on over the breakfast table.’ – this is key, no matter what definition or label you give to the underlying emotions.
I am enjoying your exploration of these topics, as they are often on my mind as a widow trying to find my way out here again.
Thanks Jnana.
One of the secrets I keep hoping to put into practice is the ideal of Sabbath as a time of family and friends, something set apart from the routines and demands of daily living.
And, as some rabbis insist, Sabbath includes sensuality and loving.
I hope to hear more Torah-based perspectives as well as your discoveries as you find your way “back out here again.”
Blessings!
I could ever be with someone who didn’t have a love of books and of learning something new, I would have to enjoy hearing him speak too, as reading to me would be part of his job. My first marriage ended when he couldn’t decide who he wanted to be with and so in the end i decided for him – not me! As for same sex marriages my Christian beliefs say no but i have a few friends who are in same sex marriages and i love them just the same as any other friend, it’s just not for me.
How to keep things burning? Always agree with your spouse in public even if you don’t actually think they are right, you can sort that out later, in private. And always date, too many people forget date nights once they are settled into their daily routines.
Thanks for the reminder about date nights! They seem to get squeezed out in daily schedules that get complicated, in part, by other needs in our ongoing relationship.
As I read the start of your post, I thought you were working your way up to start online dating. As I read further, I could see you were delicately reaching toward a point. Nicely done!
I wonder whether the “secret” to long relationship is not about relationship with others at all. I’ve noticed my friends who have the most loving relationships are those who are also true to themselves. They honor their own spirit and are as kind to themselves as they are to the loves in their lives.
Maybe that’s the “secret”: kindness.
You have me realizing that from my perspective kindness is so assumed that it never got put on the list. Neither, curiously, was “being true to themselves.”
Your pointing toward that deeper, more elusive understanding of the mutual loving.
Best friends as well as lovers. When I was dating I noticed that mostly I would have one half of the equation. I married when both halves came together. This is important for two reasons: Compatibility and sharing things as one does with a best friend. In a long marriage there are going to be times when you won’t have sex. (No one ever talks about that truth.)
Trust. In my first marriage he screwed around. It undermined everything, everything.
Monogamy. Setting aside those people who have odd fetishes and that is part of both their sexuality (swinging comes to mind), monogamy is very important for trust to build. And frankly, in a life there is precious little time for the two of you, so splitting the time with stupid side stuff for the excitement of it is a waste. Find a way to get your marriage exciting, whatever that is for both of you.
Having respect for the other’s path, compromising to allow both to explore their life dreams. Sharing those dreams when it is not yours. I paint, and recently I’ve wanted to start painting on location, or doing urban crawls. My husband wants to come along, and he will take care of himself. He may try his hand at it, or take pictures and explore near me. As we are best friends, this is a nice compromise to spending the day together out and about.
Continue to do the surprising things you did when dating — the little things. Notes, flowers, paints (mine), back rubs, foot rubs, whatever.
Being kind in tough times.
Paul Newman said the secret was that if something was broken in his marriage, they fixed it. Ours too, because misinterpretations happen and so, we fix those things.
That’s a good list.
I wonder lately how much of our attraction and ability to hold on to it stems from popular culture. Seriously. How much of it is nature versus nurture in the sense that some of it is chemical, but some of it is conditioned by what we see on TV or in films growing up. Also in observing adults in relationships when we are children
This points to the hard reality that most of us (at least) are hoping for some kind of approval from others in regard to our Significant Other.
Who those others are can vary widely, as well as the kind of status we might hope to attain from their evaluations. Parents, for example, may be high on the list or not have a place at all.
And you are so right about the influences from our childhoods.
Not that we’re functioning with such cold calculations in the heat of attraction, but that is where things like popular culture are likely moving underl our emotions.
Having been married only once, and celebrating 35 years together, surviving an affair, and illness has taught me several things.
There are so many changes in relationships as we age together. Let each other grow, don’t take each other for granted, say please and thank you. Be kind. Be tolerant. Be patient. Be grateful.
This is beautifully written. I completely agree with the importance of ‘dates.’ My first relationship of five and a half years ended after having the last three spent largely in front of the television, a man that I am now incredibly in love with woke me up from that. For a love to be sustainable, though I am young, I believe it entirely starts with yourself. I am always trying new things, exploring new areas of activity as well as new qualities within myself. If you find yourself interesting, and maintain that interest, then someone who loves you would, hopefully, maintain that interest too. Time dedicated to activities with your love as well as on your own is essential. I want the person who loves me to be proud of loving me, so I must be proud of myself too.
Good for you!
Falling in love is a mystery and is magical, where all our hopes for happiness is shared, we think, with that one amazing person. When the glamour subsides, will we find that the infatuation has turned into a deep, enduring love that weathers all or do we strive for glamour once more? If we search for what is lacking in ourselves when looking for true love, we are bound to be disappointed when we find out that no one can bare the burden of such expectations. So, I say, be happy within ourselves, with no need to complete ourselves through a love relationship, we should be complete already. A strong relationship complements each other, but does not lay the burden of happiness on one another. Therefore, look for someone who is happy within themselves and is willing to share that happiness with you, but not for you. K. D. 🙂
Wonderfully expressed!
Thank you Jnana, I wondered if perhaps I was a bit over-the-top. A appreciate your kind words very much. Karen 🙂