Like a breath of fresh air

“Learned Audience, those who recite the word ‘prajana’ the whole day long do not seem to know that prajna is inherent in their own nature. But merely talking on food will not appease hunger, and this is exactly the case with these people. … Talking alone will not enable us to realize the Essence of the Mind, and it serves no purpose in the end.” – Hui Heng, the Sixth Patriarch of Zen, “having taken his seat and asked the assembly to purify their minds collectively.”

The Patriarch again: “Do not talk about the ‘Void’ all day without practicing it in the mind. One who does this may be likened to a self-styled king who is really a commoner. Prajna can never be attained this way. ….”

How I feel listening to so many sermons or radio-evangelist preachers.

“Prajna [Truth] does not vary with different persons; what makes the difference is whether one’s mind is enlightened or deluded.”

 

I never saw her in a skirt until her wedding

At the small-town paper, Marcy made all the difference. She was also a future Pulitzer Prize winner.

With her camera she cut through all the crap to find something of real value in the people.

Her signature touch often blended humor and compassion while giving a glow to black-and-white images of daily life. What she found added up into a larger statement over time.

Photographer Burt Stern was one of her inspirations of the hard work to strip an event down to a simple, direct image and underlying message, albeit his were often of commercial intent.

In those days, please remember, ours were mostly black and white shots, though her darkroom technique did wonders with the grays.

I noted her remark about a coworker’s husband who had no concept of aesthetics – a photographic silhouette, to him, meant something went wrong. He saw everything as “good” or “bad” reduced to a scale of “I like” or “don’t like.”

Yes, “good people” (like us) versus “bad people,” who may simply be different rather than evil.

It’s been a problem across much of humanity, though consumerism cashes in on it.

Sticking to what you like means taking the easy way out, rather than aiming for greatness or achievement. Many of the things I value in my own life started out as dislikes – opera, contemporary classical music, asparagus, lamb, meditation, beer …

I suspect she was the inspiration to make the protagonist in the novels that became Subway Visions, Daffodil Uprising, Pit-a-Pat High Jinks, and What’s Left a photographer rather than a writer. It was a step away from glorifying the writing trade. Besides, I had seriously considered becoming a visual artist but settled on writing instead.

“The camera itself creates and destroys illusion.” (Source long since lost.)

 

My, how the town and campus had changed within a few years

Bloomington has brightened so much: the new public library, buses, Dunkirk Square, Musical Arts Center and Glenn Black Laboratory …

That Tuesday afternoon [December 10] when I went for “a little hike,” over the hill, “to catch the sunset” … sink holes all over, found a dirt road “Xmas Trees ¼ mile” and took it past forest and a bottomless gorge and on and on … taking the next left actually took me further astray, until finally, I passed a few houses and asked someone, “Excuse me, how do I get to Leonard Springs Road?”

He either laughed or looked at me as a dope.

“It’s right here.”

I didn’t get home till 7, well after dark. Kat was very worried, actually went out looking for me.

Turns out my little walk was 7½ miles. “Around the block.”

I drew a map, which I later filled in with details.

[Gee, don’t think I had another walk like that till Marconi Station on Cape Cod decades later.]

~*~

One of the things I encountered on that walk was abandoned limestone quarries, which I would soon view as common features tucked away in the woodlands beyond town. They typically flooded in. Here’ are some examples by Vmenkov via Wikimedia Commons.

 

 

 

 

~*~

Other explorations? A long drive, including Spring Mill [Madison?], Paoli, West Baden Springs, Washington, Amish country, and Bloomfield. But we were back home by 5 and had dinner at Michaelangelo’s up the street on our side of town.

A mention here of Mennonite, though I still knew next to nothing about the faith. We did pass two lovely white-frame, clear-window, “severely simple” meetinghouses, no name attached. The second had an outhouse behind.

Windmills gave the Amish away, before the lack of utility lines did.

White houses and barns.

Clotheslines in January: solid, somber colors or white.

The radiant face of a middle-aged woman on a buckboard who turned to us and waved.

That woman’s face stuck in my mind.

In its first decades, Paoli was known as a Quaker town, the seat of Orange County, named for the one in North Carolina. Included Lick Creek (later Paoli), Newberry, and Beech Grove Friends meetings.

So much Greek Revival / Greek Temple Revival through southern Indiana.

What struck me was the order – mathematical, geometric, classical – of Paoli in its design and construction. A step beyond the state of log-cabin and rough-cut stone development at Spring Mill as wealth built up into brick homes.

The old wire bridge across White River at Hindoostan: farm-style fencing rather than railing along the sides, three boards on each side as a single lane over a flooded river, in places too widely spaced for our Bug, in others, the bottom boards have broken through. Unbelievable, looking back, that we made it.

Hindoostan settled 1818, vacated 1828: “terrible death” outbreaks of Yellow Fever or cholera. Never resettled. Bluffs nearby.

More formally, Hindoostan Falls. Originally on the stagecoach route.

Nearby, in forest: “Greenwich, 1778, first – in Indiana.” Didn’t get that vital part in driving past.

Vincinnes, founded 1732[!]

Clarksville, founded 1784 by George Rogers Clark, Indiana’s oldest American community; the man hated Indians and wished them all exterminated.

Patoka, 1789.

New Albany, on the Ohio River, was state’s largest city in 1840.

Madison, also on the river, founded 1805, was largest city in 1850.

New Harmony, originally a commune, 1814.

~*~

Spring Mill State Park, an 1816 village of log cabins and a great stone mill a marvelous beauty. Caves and sinkholes all over. As a kid, my family camped there several times.

The great eerie hall of Baden Springs. Decay, the polish gone, earth sinking, buildings crumbling: “new hotel” built in 1901 after fire claimed the first. Who would want to wear a suit and tie while on vacation, even to gamble? As for the waters of the spa? Such formalities!

Caves as vertical shafts of cold air rising and fogging in an otherwise barren field: 66 recorded caves and pits in Monroe County, meaning around our home.

US 150, approximate site of ancient buffalo trail from Louisville to Vincinnes, in 1840 became Indiana’s first toll road. Meaning the earlier ones were private?

Lost River: out and then back into the earth, blind fish and crayfish, endangered by flood-control projects (Orangeville).

Back from the road, facing a creek and hillside, Union Primitive Baptist Church, plain cars still there at 1 p.m. Two doors, men’s and women’s. Plus outhouses.

Further on, Hebron Valley Baptist, 1822.

The eerie silence of caves in a fog: “Do not enter this pit without permission.”

Not sure quite where:

Three caves, two days – strange beauty of the muddy sculptural underworld. The twisting rooms, cold reflective water returning whatever light we introduce. Dripping from ceiling.

Southern Indiana is laced with caves, including Mayfield’s situated a couple of miles from our home, not that you could see it. Photo from 1907 by Arthur Mangun Banta via Wikimedia Commons. Wyandotte was another, public domain image via Wikimedia Commons.

~*~

Brown County thick with stupid gawking, the contrast of neatly-creased shorts and black Orlon socks and oxfords gawking at rural life and earlier eras punctuated by rough log cabins.

~*~

From Spiralbound Hoosier, with commentary from now.

Us, as a couple

Kat made her first bread (five loaves): not bad. Also, first bus trip to town and back.

Sitting at our kitchen window and looking out at our new birdfeeder, watching cardinals and titmice, such a treat to examine them almost microscopically: free pets, in nature!

In the year 2003, I will be 55: the door is always open.

She is tired of my talking always about things. Or, as I see 50 years later, facts. Not my feelings. [Seeing that pattern would take years of therapy.]

Kat and I are private people: we know no one we can drop in on.

Mail addressed to Ms Jnana Hodson

Some days nothing goes right – up too early, humidity and heat, killer sinuses – wife dragging feet and my late start to work.

They can’t fix the car today. The mess started a week ago with auto inspection. Mr. Muskrat (pointy nose, sunglasses, and cigarette, smiling) and Mr. Ladykiller (cigarette and fast-talking) selling Kat into shocks with alignment and inspection, but the car wouldn’t pass inspection because it needed new king bolts, $60. Next day, to Brinegar’s, for the king bolts and, surprise, rod ($75) … and a long walk to work.

Still, no inspection sticker: the horn wouldn’t work.

Off to Ohio, stopped by state cops (bears), right front light out – warning ticket – and then the Bloomdale patrolman.

After fixing the horn, the turn signals didn’t dink.

In the end, it was a shorted fuse.

And then our check bounced, adding a $5 fee from the bank.

That defeated feeling you can’t get ahead of the game. Can’t save, car’s falling apart, only a fool would write poetry and submit. The more you rework for them, the more you lose from your own life.

“Life is worth living only in retrospect.”

At dawn on the 4th, Nosmo (our black kitten) wasn’t back. The house seemed empty.

Chicago trip; we stayed with Celeste and Luis, edge of the DMZ twixt Hyde Park, University of Chicago, and South Side.

unstretched canvases tacked to walls
massive waves crashing into shore

cold, stiff wind

The Maxwell Street market, block after block of hot goods amid burned-out lots abutting the precinct station house and state college campus. Catholic church, Masses in Spanish packed every service.

Mirrors, mirrors.

Hyde Park, with Frank Lloyd Wright houses
and a Swendenborgian church

~*~

On opening a page, amid Sunday afternoon jazz, a startling confession: “So hard to say what I really feel.” Specifically, it was regarding the music, but the fuller scope came back to haunt me throughout the rest of my life.

With Kat at S. John’s, the heathen beauty of ritual: No music, a relief from music poorly done. I’m bothered by the emphasis on sin, which should not be applicable to those who have been baptized in grace, and also bothered by the political positions from the pulpit … especially interpreting scripture to support family when Jesus clearly called men away …

CLOUDS WITH RAIN

~*~

21:II:76, a rainy morning: Omkara, our VW, towed in again, the coil had fallen off …

Kat shaved her legs last night, first time in a year or more – their smoothness, newness turns me on, especially after sitting across from JB the previous night, she was dressed up, eyeshadow, too. Funny, looking at your own wife that way and so delightful. Not to take anything away from his partner, who could have swept me away, too.

Delightful? Or deceitful?

The high scolding scream of a little rabbit freed from our cat’s mouth as it runs shitless home.

Kat, with her wanting a divorce … 

She wants affairs and a place of her own. So often she fights us yet often keeps us solitary, complaining of Aquarians’ love of friends and strangers.

How strange to see that latter observation, considering how solitary most of my hours in retirement have been.

Can’t take it anymore – her inarticulate depression, her months of “You don’t love me anymore,” her jealousness of my writing and my music, her desire for a divorce, her blaming me for our marriage, her resentment of my practices – my yoga, my Friends, my need for a meditation area, for silence (her yap-yap, her Qs w/out answers, her constant efforts to drain me: the meat, cigarettes, TV, radio, her desire to spend money, her efforts to push me out, to keep me from having friends or from having them over, her withdrawals, her Jekyll-Hyde snappings).

If she wants a divorce, OK. Half the bank account, half our goods, no alimony.

She can suffer in her own stupor. I’m tired of it.

Terrible thunderstorm about 6:30 this morning: green/gray skies, leaves scattered all over the yard, cornstalks flattened. No tornado watch or warning.

Car inspection. Needs new tires but Firestone’s out on strike. They tried to sell me retreads, no deal. I wound up buying Dayton Thoroughbreds, but the shop can’t balance or align them. [wonder who did].

~*~

From Spiralbound Hoosier, with commentary from now.

Life at the Workshop, part one

Starting to get squared away at office: so much space amazes me [my own room!] and then all the backup material, staff, and freedom of movement. I feel like I’m in heaven. Hard to readjust to open work scheduling. New freedom, large-vocabulary return: academic life and performance seem somehow foreign, though I’ve never really left it. Either I perform/deliver now or flunk forever.

Feels very good to work at a slower, more thoughtful pace …

“Have the girls fill this out,” Charlyne said, as I trotted down the hall.

Our administrative assistant, incredulous when I wickedly passed the word along while getting my three carbon papers: “Tell Charlyne the girls are very busy; tell her the girls send their love.”

Charlyne was the uber-feminist in the outfit.

Openly referring to myself as “Jnana” sounds strange again: kept starting to say the legal equivalent of “Boy.”

The leisurely pace of academic reflectiveness, gestation, can be guilt-inducing after the gut-busting pace of the Review-Times [or other newsrooms or assembly lines]. But guilt will only clog intuition. I must learn to pace myself so that I will be producing at peak quality [not quantity]. More than three or four hours of heaving editing or writing is too much for one day, since concentration slips.

Sometimes, on this slower pace, it seems I’m going nowhere, that I should be producing on an 8-5 shift and doing my homework – reading – at other times.

Workshop, a place where craftsmen bring design/theory/aesthetics/tradition/discipline to fulfillment/practice in diverse materials …

In our sense, a place of testing and integrity …

A whole garden to delight the mind’s eye and the physical touch …

Somehow, right after the “little stroll around the block,” I note, 13:XII:74 [a Friday], just back from St. Louis, much energy. [No idea where we stayed – out near the airport? – think we did go to a fancy German one evening.] Came back with a clearer sense of the newsletter, greatly simplified: more like our yoga newsletter!

I think we settled on WORKSHOP REPORTS, with the potential of designating different series such as a police or city government.

Lynn wants at least one foundation or funding source thanked in each workshop paper: it builds their files, gives them a sense that their work is going somewhere (even if only into a folder).

VO discussing difficulties he’s had in writing for publications and how he developed the strategy of writing to write and then usually delivering the work as a paper when invited. Using this approach, he learned he didn’t spend a year to find out the editor had “chickened out” and that if an editor is interested, publication is a byproduct. This way, we have a good backlog so that when the shit hits the fan, we will be ready to market.

He mentioned that Hobbes worked over several decades revising his work.

Another time, he mentioned that his most depressed period was in trying to write a water report and not being able to frame his words: the theoretical framework was weak.

Also, the difficulty of maintaining a creative tension while writing.

My pace is recovering my yogic …

Kat on VO and EO: “I couldn’t imagine them married to anybody else,” and he was now Kat’s favorite person. How curious, considering how upset she would get at my political discussions.

~*~

On the side, Vincent enjoyed designing furniture with carpenter Paul Goodwin. Here’s a sketch of a bookshelf system in his house. I’m not sure now, though, how it connected to the floor, wall, or even ceiling.

~*~

Etienne and Amelie could frame a novel.

Her mother from a very wealthy, steel-making family that lost and regained its fortune; her father, from immigrant Ukrainian miners.

Etienne, from a morbid, divisively argumentative peasant family. It was preoccupied with death. When he was 12 or 13, the grandfather was living in the same farmhouse, not knowing he was dying, though the house reeked of the odor of rectal cancer. The father, in a furious argument, told the old man, “It doesn’t matter, in two months you’ll be dead!” something the wife, Etienne’s mother, could never forgive. The fights that followed led to separation but also their remarriage a week before Etienne and Amelie’s wedding, “so it would be proper.” Yet they still fought.

America? “Here it is just eat your brother!”

France? The mad pace of Paris or the boredom of the provinces.

“I’ve broken many bottles over such cars,” the ones trying to run down pedestrians. “Oh? Did I do that?”

In an office, I feel trapped or cut off. Want to be closer to sun or wind. My mind is no longer original.

Perhaps I write this under the weight of Saturn: I feel sluggish, sedentary. I have piles there and here, projects I do not know how to resolve.

That “little stroll,” by the way, led to my Leonard Springs poems. The site has since been developed into a public nature reserve.

~*~

From Spiralbound Hoosier, with commentary from now.

Perhaps I was too busy simply getting adjusted to do any journaling?

There’s a huge gap between the previous journal and the one beginning here. Is another volume, maybe two, missing? Did Kat perchance destroy them?

Instead, this one is half Workshop in Political Theory notes, followed by extensive Snyder transcriptions, many of them no doubt from the Lilly Library.

The chronological sequence is ruptured.

And there’s nothing personal, beyond that, in these pages.

We must have made an earlier trip to Bloomington, because I have a listing of research deadlines as of 6/6/74 but apparently for 1975.

Then the minutes from a trip to my first board of consultants’ meeting soon follow.

From there are many penciled Snyder transcriptions; am guessing they’re from Lilly Library. My deep immersion in that sanctum.

Gary was, in many of these, far more prosaic than I now expected. Perhaps that’s a liberating insight!

As for the Stoney Lonesome poetry crowd or Bloomington Quakers? So far, nothing.

That was about to change, though. And how.

~*~

Stretching between the courthouse square and downtown and the college campus, behind the camera, iconic Kirkwood Avenue figures prominently in my novel What’s Left as well as the earlier, Daffodil Uprising, though not by name. This time I would be living to the west of downtown. Photo by Yahala via Wikimedia Commons.

~*~

From Spiralbound Hoosier, with commentary from now.

Upcoming presentations will break from the chronological sequence into topics, as you’ll see. Our life was getting richer in everything but money.

Making our first relocation together

Or, as I noted, back in foothills …

Frankly, I can’t envision my return to Bloomington without her.

Our Bloomington goods runs? Three trips, I’m seeing now. Using whose pickup, with the tarp flying behind it? Followed by our green VW Bug.

Ottawa, Ohio, on the site
of the last Ottawa Indian reservation in Ohio

seat of Putnam County on the Ottawa River

Realize that the move to Bloomington allowed me to reclaim, fully, my Jnana moniker.

Bloomington redux was also, in a way, a return to the grad student realm I inhabited in Binghamton, but with the twist I was now married and officially a research associate, quasi faculty. And my hours were so much more flexible, even regular.

This was second of the three times I stepped out of the newsroom career and had no guarantee of reentry if things soured. The ashram was the first. For me, this was risk.

Much of this move is abstracted in detail in my novels Nearly Canaan and The Secret Side of Jaya, though I did move the locale to the Ozarks – I had already used Indiana extensively in Daffodil and, later, What’s Left.

~*~

From Spiralbound Hoosier, with commentary from now.

 

On work itself, when done right

Reporter Tom: “I was building a cabinet several nights ago and everything kept falling into place, everything fit, I cut the wood just right and there was such a good feeling of simply working that in a way I didn’t want to finish the thing. They never taught us to work that way. It’s always to get the thing done.”

Nowadays, no sense of craftsmanship. No unity of elements or workers. Just things, not creation.

For Esquimaux artists, objects do not have to be seen but treasures to be unwrapped and felt on special occasions.

~*~

The downtown since I left. Main Street by Nyttend via Wikimedia Commons.

At last, a hard, honest look at the relationship

Kat still edgy, depressed: “I hate myself!” This time burning rice meant for dinner; out of sorts, suicidal?

The emergency brake won’t work: she drove 200 miles with it on …

As she said, Saturday morning, looking at parents and their children in this town: “They never had a chance.”

“There’s no place I feel home,” she pouts in her hometown

Unlike a turtle, going anywhere!

Iron pills seem to be helping her green complexion and mine.

Sunday morning [note, I was writing day of the week rather than the number of the month through this stretch of journaling]:

“My wife was a great thumping bitch this morning.”

I find myself shocked that I actually admitted that. Typically, I make excuses for those closest to me; I try to see their good side rather than shortcomings.

Bly’s Tooth Mother or Stone Mother describes my Nikki, earlier, ultimately pulling me toward paralysis.

I kept seeing the girlfriends in my life as dancing goddesses, not that we were actually dancing. Their role, though, seemed to be as a counterweight to my seriousness.

I’ve been stunned to see notes regarding a playful Gopi at the ashram who at 15 had been drugged, raped, taken lesbian, involved in crime, as well as exposed to museums, art, and literature. She nearly swept me off my feet, and here, two years later, Kat was coming in second by comparison, even at the core of my obsession.

Now, with Kat, I was placing great hopes on our Indiana move: a hothouse, in a way, to raise our seedling in. As I journaled, “We’re so apart here: there are no models, no challenges, no competition. The wind beats her down. She’s afraid to give rein to her private visions, her terrifying garden, ‘going over the edge.’ She won’t know herself till she does.”

On the reflection of this span of my life, I’m seeing how bitchy she was throughout the marriage. Where would she be if I had just walked? I was about to say this is the biggest point where I ultimately failed, but will leave other possibilities open for comparison.

Revisiting these pages is emotionally heavy for me, I’ll confess.

Now I see neither Nikki nor Kat or even Fay as “mothers,” at least with me. And Celeste had already ruled herself out.  

~*~

From Spiralbound Flatland, with commentary from now.

There was so much to wrap up first

The next volume, another wide-margin notebook, included our preparing to relocate from Fostoria to Bloomington: much rough verse but, to my surprise, many riches, too: a fertile profusion. I’m so glad I didn’t incinerate this stretch before the final gleaning.

I am surprised how little I have regarding my boss, Doc Bordner, who was quite an original. Perhaps sometime?

Instead, I was preoccupied with the suffocation by conformity.

The poison here is unbearable; I wish we were long gone; am counting the days till we move

As I walked in autumn leaves bordering a savage Scout jamboree, the words, “Look, Mrs. Smith, there’s an Indian,” meaning me, in my headband.

Two fine lines from Snyder’s Japanese lesson:

“It is unspeakably wonderful to see a large volume of water falling with a thunderous noise.”

“Sparrows entertained me singing and dancing, I’ve never had such a good time as today.”

Reopening Snyder (now is the time), am struck by how much larger his vocabulary is than I had thought: not just accurate and clear, but broad and sometimes academic.

High blood pressure wears away the organs, leading to failure in 20 years, may explain my headaches, eye trouble, need for more sleep: must reduce salt intake sharply (Sivananda’s day without salt each week) [much less a true fast, food or speech].

Sometimes, deep in memory-desires, making love turns not to the finite body with me but someone else even fresh from the street adding to her thousand faces and shapes into a new woman as my lover-wife

Always that heart, with the million clouds of emotions, expressions passing over.

Here, I thought I was rejecting / renouncing newspaper journalism as my life’s calling, leaping beyond the gossip and fashionable tides that sweep the barroom, clubroom, of deluded masses …

They forget what they read, discard it all …

As for me, on to Cold Mountain?

Except that was his destination, not mine. And I was still ensnared in Maya’s web.

Communism capitalism?

Too much stress on the supporting THINGS.

Far too little on the SOUL.

Either way, everyone is reduced to objects, without loving brotherhood or broader community support.

~*~

“Dolly? What can I do for you,
Dolly?” Always, Dolly.
Owner/manager of art/health food store in Findlay.

~*~

~*~

The modern “leisure” classes, those with education working in professional or managerial roles, are those with the least amount of free time. Many work 50- to 60-hour weeks, leaving little time for culture.

As for the novel? I thought my biggest potential readership would be in students or those just out before responsibility is foisted on them.

It’s success, of course, would be my escape out of all this. Maybe in four years or so, from Bloomington.

My railing at “they” can more recently be seen even within my own congregation!

“For when the will fails, so do the hands, and one lives at the expense of life” – Wendell Berry, Farming.

Harvard president on the quality of a leader: His ability to inflict pain.

Japanese children are taught calligraphy as inculcating composure

Wondering how we’ll define ourselves in Bloomington … late hours, attending concerts etc.? Or early mornings, meditating and getting simpler? Dharma Bums or Down So Long artists?

A note on card systems for scholarly mags etc. … for the Workshop or my own poetry submissions? Or both?

What did happen in the upcoming Bloomington sojourn was aligning with Friends, finding a poetic voice, and renewing my hiking in nature time. I am surprised I didn’t partake of more cultural performances, but my early rising and personal writing can be blamed more than Kat, perchance. Lifestyle definitely included gardening and organic funky.

After handing over my desk in the newsroom, I went through all of my front pages and editorial pages, felt very good: so much solid work after all, especially with Marcy. There is goodness and sweetness in all her work.

And then, in moving, came the first snow since we married, as Kat said.

Do note that one of the paradoxes in this practice is that when life’s going well, there’s often very little time for journaling.

~*~

From Spiralbound Flatland, with commentary from now.