Tag: Love

On former girlfriends and lovers

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

For me, this is ancient history, back before my second marriage more than two decades ago. Still, I get questioned about my deep past, and sometimes that has me looking at my previous romances and adventures collectively, rather than individually.

Here’s the latest take.

  1. None of them were like my mother, as far as I can see. There are good reasons for that.
  2. I was attracted to potential. As in “promise,” which was the original title of my novel now standing as Nearly Canaan.
  3. I put them up on pedestal. Up there, beside mine.
  4. Most were intelligent, though not always of a scholarly bent, as well as attractive.
  5. I am having trouble seeing deep mutual interests. Spirituality, especially along Quaker lines, classical music, and literature are central pursuits of mine, and being with someone who shared even one of those felt like Eureka. Contradancing worked as a connector for several of them. But for the rest?
  6. There are now questions of just exactly what I offered them. How often was I trying to be the white knight coming to their rescue?
  7. They were all younger than me. (Not that I’d advise that.)
  8. Were they all crazy, one way or another? That has been suggested. And, no, I don’t see myself as a victim.
  9. Except for a couple of them, I doubt they’ve ever visited this blog or read anything else I’ve written in the years since we were together.
  10. These things rarely end well. As in happily ever after.

Like speaking to the ghost of my first lover

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

Let me explain. After showing my tech-savvy elder daughter a few things about Facebook during a visit, I had one of those “whatever happened to?” moments and chanced upon my first lover’s FB site. That led to what we call falling down the rabbit hole, in this instance this one where her photos and posts made me happy to see what appeared to be a good life … at least until getting to the point where she related that her husband had passed. Forty years together? Impressive. How was she holding up after the loss?

As I continued:

A lot has transpired since we last communicated, but I can say on my end much of it wouldn’t have happened had you not been so much a central part of my life way back when. You really did change my direction. Thank you for the positive things that followed because of that.

Should you want to know more or to just chat, fire back. Or peruse my profile or my blog for a sampling of what’s really been – and continues to be – a rich life, maybe more than ever. Yours, of course, is likely to be more fascinating. Best regards, all the same. Peace … 

Of course, I haven’t heard diddly.

Love life ups and downs

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

I promised my first lover I’d never write about her, meaning in my books. And I promised another that no matter what, I’d always leave the door open.

So while neither of them is outwardly present, my novels originate in heartbreak. There, I’ve said it. And also in hope.

Yes, I promised her I would never write about her, even though I’m pretty sure she’s never read anything I’ve written in the past 54 years.

It’s not that she didn’t cast a shadow over the story, but rather that her spot on the stage is abstracted into a more universal figure, perhaps even an archetype. Details from later lovers have also been woven in to the point a composite female emerges.

How could I deny the passionate devotion or yearning? Like so much else of the hippie outbreak, it could be embarrassing today.

I did ceremonially burn the letters I had kept until moving to Dover. It was a long fire.

~*~

It’s unlikely that my life would have gone in the direction it did if she hadn’t appeared in my life.

The hippie side, definitely.

And my yoga, while she veered off with the Sufis.

I didn’t realize just how rich they were or how much of my ancestral farmland they were buying up. Her parents were still quite supportive of me, anyway.

I still needed someone to fill her place in my novel Daffodil Uprising.

~*~

Much of what followed turns up in Pit-a-Pat High Jinks, including my first Summer of Love.

I’m curious to hear their side of the story. Most likely, I was pretty pathetic. I certainly was naïve and not the most savvy romantic. Like what did I really have to offer anyone? In my revisions, I was able to include details from twenty-some years later, my second Summer of Love, but Peace and Love had more grittier aspects than the dippy love songs present. Let’s turn to the blues.

For me, at least, the experiences turned out to be very confusing.

At one stage in the later drafts, as I tried to come to grips with the conflicting accounts of one character’s past she had revealed to me (the real-life person, not the abstracted figure in the story), I actually broke down weeping as I sensed she had been a victim of sexual abuse from at least several directions. No wonder her accounts to me hadn’t added up.

We did reconnect online, but I didn’t dare broach the possibility. Was she even aware of them or was she still in denial. There was no way to ask, though. Besides, she barely recalled me, though she had been a big thing for me.

~*~

The love life definitely came into play with Nearly Canaan, though the abstraction underwent greater transposition. Ages and genders changed, for one thing. Tracking real life, the relationship turned into marriage now mirrored in the marriages around the central couple.

I was really dashed when one literary agent said she didn’t like the character based on my now ex-wife, someone I still saw on a pedestal. Back to the drawing board, along with some therapy sessions for a clearer understanding. My remarriage helped me recast much of this, too.

If only I could have kept this within the bounds of a Romance genre, I might have had a bestseller. Right?

Am I the man you wanted me to be?

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

The question is asked by Zorro in the opera by Hector Armienta recently premiered in Albuquerque and Fort Worth. This version of the story is much more subversive than the one I encountered as a kid. And the musical drama is, from what I heard on the radio, very much worthy of retelling.

What stunned me in the question that it’s directed toward the father. How often in today’s Western culture does a son turn toward his father that way, rather than his mother? Not in my experience.

It is making me look toward Dad anew and suspect I hadn’t failed him that much, after all. But the question remains disturbing and enriching, all the same.

How do we males find this working as well in terms of our wives – or lovers? Or our children?

This really gets serious – and unending.

Among the many mysteries of adult life

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

I never understood how some people with a demanding career and a family or committed relationship found time to conduct an extramarital affair on the side.

I mean, just a primary relationship deserves more attention than it usually gets. Don’t they mix their communications? Which one said what or their preferences? As for names?

And yet some get away with it. Even habitually.

On the other hand, I doubt they would understand all the hours I’ve put into writing, either. What else am I missing? Dear?

 

Our old garden has been obliterated

~ Jnana Hodson ~ 1 Comment

People used to walk down our street in Dover just to admire our garden. They told us how much pleasure and peace it gave them. It also attracted a range of wildlife, including hummingbirds, butterflies, or the occasional turkey or fox.

Throughout the year, the garden also led to many photos you can still find here at the Red Barn.

It was, by many standards, funky. The weeds were never completely controlled, but it was prolific and made good use of what we sometimes called the Swamp, after its mucky clay soil in late spring and early summer. Our pet rabbits delighted in much of what we picked there, too.

The new owners, alas, have bulldozed all that. The strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, currants as well as the raised beds and shrubbery screens – gone. Twenty-years of reclaiming the once tired soil and then dining well as a result – gone. Naturally, we’re lamenting, knowing how much more they must be spending on groceries that won’t be as fresh or tasty.

We have to recognize, of course, that we’ve left all that behind and no longer have a say in the matter.

But we still feel sad or even a tad angry. Ahhh!

Hey, Travis!

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

The annual torchlight parade is largely children, some accompanied by adults. It’s brief, but lots of smiles.

This year included a young woman carrying a big sign, and it still has me curious.

The words elicited an immediate laugh, and an assumption that they’re good news. She certainly seems happy, and we want to be happy for her.

At that point, though, I feel a writing prompt kick in.

Who is Travis? What’s the status of their relationship? Is he even somewhere in the crowd? Is she one of the Navy wives who came to town for the Fourth of July celebration and then joined their spouses for the cruise back to home port? Could this even be an attempt at shaming or is it instead her way of sharing the good news with family and friends, too?

What am I overlooking?

What’s your take? And which storyline would you develop?

 

A few great regrets in my life

~ Jnana Hodson ~ Leave a comment

Maybe it’s just the end of the year and looking ahead, but let’s be honest.

There are things we’ve all done that we wished had gone differently.

Here are some of mine.

  1. Not knowing the realities of boy-girl relationships back as a teen. I missed out on a lot of fun and companionship. Maybe I should even add learning to dance, and not that four-square stuff they tried to stuff us into back as sixth-graders. No, New England contras and Greek circles were both epiphanies, much later.
  2. The big dream that turned out to be false. Along with all the promises I believed.
  3. Blowups and inadequacies in parenting.
  4. Divorce. And an inability to confront her long before that. Ancient history now, but even so.
  5. Hurting others.
  6. Failing to make a bestsellers list.
  7. Leaving the Pacific Northwest with my tail tucked ‘tween my legs. Even though I finally wound up living in a couple of places that suit me even better.
  8. Not being able to see a big research project through to completion. Not our fault, but I still believe it would have made a huge difference in an awareness of how politics and public services really work.
  9. All the missed social cues and opportunities that went with that. Yes, post high school. It may have even meant my professional career would have gone more Big Time.
  10. All those years of little to no physical exercise, even if I am in pretty good shape for my age.