We’re stuck in fog, fog, fog

While I had heard that these stretches of a surrounding blur of dense gray could linger weeks here, I assumed folks were talking about March or maybe late November, not the height of glorious summer.

And then a friend told me of one summer in Lubec, a few miles over the water to our south, where it hit every day, often without any splash of sunshine.

It does dampen the emotional wellbeing of many.

As much of the nation – and world – suffers under recording-breaking heat, we’re having many days when the day’s high has barely reached much above 60, as in Fahrenheit. Only a few readings have even broken as far as the lower 80s. I’ve worn my beloved Hawaiian shirts only three times, and my shorts are still in the bottom drawer of the dresser. If you’re wondering, unlikely as that is, I’m not one of those guys who goes bare-knees in January, believe me.

Much of this has been accompanied by weeks of fog – morning and late afternoon through the night, especially – but sometimes without break during the day as well.

I’ve stopped reminding people that Seattle experiences something like this six-months straight every year or that San Francisco is accustomed to watching the ground-hugging clouds return every afternoon.

We do live on an island, so the temperatures just seven miles away on the mainland traditionally run ten degrees warmer, but those are still much more reasonable than the hellfire raging elsewhere.

None of the wider extremes should come as a surprise. True prophets had forecast them a half century ago, and we are running on those projections, contrary to the decades of denials and resistance of capitalist naysayers and their puppet politicians. Remember, too, it was “climactic instability” rather than mere “global warming.”

So, on a more mundane level, on those partly-cloudy to partly-sunny days in the forecast, we jump onto running the laundry early and then getting it promptly out on the line to breathe, and I attack the lawn with the mower as soon as the grass dries sufficiently. Not that I’m the only one, not by a longshot.

When I did live in the Pacific Northwest, I was in the interior desert with dreams of escaping somehow to a writing life somewhere along the coast, maybe in a cabin in British Columbia or Alaska.

Something like this, perchance.

Redirections

“I’VE NEVER BEEN TOUCHED,” meaning love.

“My sisters have. They all have husbands and family, but I’ve never been touched.”

 

TRAVELING IN A TERRAIN LIKE the orchard country of Washington state – Naches or Cowiche, especially – in the car, we come across the top of a hill and find ourselves facing a band of four tornadoes, which we manage to drive past, after great fear and trepidation.

She’s no longer a goddess, but a traveling companion. Do the tornadoes reflect engulfing, destructive, and self-destructive figures of love?

 

ON A BOAT, THE RUDDER WORKS in the opposite direction of what feels right. Often seemed to have no effect, whatsoever.

In both cases, a sense of something important remaining unfinished.

Where to from here, as a writer or a person?

Creatively, I’m feeling a lull or perhaps more accurately adrift.

After my Cape Cod presentation via Zoom earlier this month, I have no other Quaking Dover events on the horizon. Nor do I feel compelled to undertake another big writing venture.

Authors these days are often saddled with the promotional end of any publication, and I’m coming up on a year of launching the marketing push on my latest book. Admittedly, I am proud of my public appearances on its behalf – each one unique, reflecting what another writer declared a “rich feast of a book” – but it’s also exhausting, especially, as I hate to confess, at my age.

Do I cut the ties and say it’s time for the book to sink or swim on its own, or do I find new ways to try to generate a buzz? It is the one book that seems to speak to a wider audience, especially, say, than poetry or my hippie novels.

The blogging hits have slowed down, perhaps as many viewers have shifted to other platforms. Social media and mass media both appear to be hemorrhaging there, so I can’t say I’m alone.

I’m certainly out of touch with youth and often can’t understand their conversations. That really hurts. I believe there’s so much knowledge that needs to be handed down but don’t know where to begin. Besides, I’ve often found them a source of great energy in my own outlook.

In short, I don’t have a big project calling for my attention and devotion. That part feels really weird.

I do have a big backlog of periodicals and books to finally tackle as well as a shelf of personal journals that deserve visiting, so that points to an overdue reading orgy.

There’s plenty of outdoors around here to indulge in, too.

I may even have to look at my remaining possessions and reorganize and cull them.

As I’m saying, I’m feeling a bit strange.

How long after I’d been dropped?

AT AN EVENING EVENT, not especially Quaker. Maybe I’m off on a book tour or readings. Whatever, I’m in an amber-lighted room with others and eventually realize she’s on the other side. We eventually approach, exchange a few words. Hesitantly, I ask if she’d be interested in a late dinner, and just as cautiously, she replies in a muted affirmative.

We go to a small, upscale, modernistic place – again, soft lighting. The service, however, is atrocious. It’s late, they have my credit card, and the food just doesn’t come. We don’t know what to do. We’re hungry. Demand the card and leave?

The waiter, apologetic, finally shows up with my card. We stay, I assume.

This was disturbing enough to wake me two hours earlier than I’d planned to get up. Was jarring enough I couldn’t go back to sleep.

 

IT STARTS OUT WITH THE KISS, I presume. And somehow leaps from the chemist to her, who now wants to travel with me on a journey. We’re at yearly meeting, after agreeing to coffee or late dinner to talk things over and perhaps catch up. Maybe she invited herself to my room after. What I remember is the intensity of her snuggling up to me, seductively tender, cooing, yielding.

 

FLASH IN THE BIG, MULTILEVEL MALL: much taller, but definitely the type: intense blue eyes, freckles, full and almost purple lips, golden-blonde hair. The constant potential around the corner, the unexpected encounter of some intense part of my past: someone I loved powerfully or served who nonetheless betrayed me.

 

HER WANTING to reunite with me.

I wasn’t having it.

Not after this long.

 

Three flights of imagination

FLYING UNDER BLANKETS (sheets? or Navajo blankets?) with Photographer over mountains (starting out from Selah or Naches?) we wind up, after rocky and snowy stretches, Goat Rocks, say, over Vermont, other end of the country – a children’s camp, actually, high up a dirt road from a dream a few nights earlier …

Freeform with or wearing a harness, hands free, touch of Yakima, touch of New England.

 

I’M GOING TO BE BURIED TOMORROW so go out with my friends or family on a sunny spring day, actually, that’s where it starts, on the country highway, looking up the intense green grass toward a plateau or leveling, with tombstones white in the sun … we climb and there see three new holes dug in the earth. One would be mine the next day.

Am I being buried alive?

 

DRIVING ALONG FLAT FARMLAND, like that of northwest Ohio. Great blue sky. Humming along, with a ditch full of water to my right; may be a small river. A small town looms on the horizon, with an elevated green bridge in front of it. First, it’s an interstate highway, and then a railroad. My companion and I discuss the possibilities ahead.

Pass under it and there’s a forced right turn. Everything turns dark and interior. (Hmm. Shades of the water-cage highway weeks earlier.) I overhear a young woman telling of a dream in which she, too, had a prominent bridge. I approach her, ask if her bridge was perpendicular to the highway, as mine was. No, it was beside it. Still, we’ve bridged a conversation. She’s wearing a black cocktail dress. Smiles slyly, seductively. We begin kissing. It’s only a momentary thing, one of us says.

So here’s a dream with conversations about dreams! Again, a sense of places I’ve lived, back when.

Echoes, sometimes with music

SITTING IN AN AUDIENCE, AWAITING the speaker, when a woman comes out to introduce the guest lecturer, I hear the name but get up and leave.

Hearing of my move, my therapist shouts his approval.

 

AT A CONTRADANCE BEING HELD IN A HOME … a place with multiple rooms … everyone knows me as a friend, at least the regulars. I hear that she’s also there, in another room. But this time, she’s trying to catch up with me as I circulate – and she never succeeds. A role reversal.

 

SHE COMES TO ME TO RECONCILE, but when we’re naked abed, I put my head into her loose essence – and push her away with such force it awakens me at 5 a.m.

Head? Not hand?

 

BECAUSE OF SOME ACCIDENT, has a porcelain face but her own lips. We must swim to the cove to get my car (somehow, the vital papers in my wallet do not get wet).

 

A SHADOW BRUNETTE IN HER DWELLING – very sexy, serious, freckled, long hair and a white peasant blouse – fleets through. She informs me the goddess had a ride lined up to Dallas (presumably her regular lover) but backed out when she heard I was coming, would be there … cancelled because she wanted to “square things off with you.”

Facing each other again, her kisses are conflicted, broken off as if she might want to return. Even so, a distance and brooding.

Of course, I was the one who was driving to her place.

 

A FIGURE – LONG FLAXEN HAIR – walks past the clump of people I’m hanging out with.

“Who was that?” a young woman says to me.

“Oh, just somebody I used to love. Used to love very much.”

What is the meaning of life?

Might as well start by eliminating the word “meaning” from the question.

That leaves the core mystery to savor before expressing its wonder in mere, pale words.

Life itself is unfathomable. Why me, you, us? As is our very awareness. It’s more than a neurochemical reaction or the like.

Descartes, for me, fails the mystery altogether. Thinking, which can wander all over the place, is secondary. Feeling is more primal, closer to what the Bible calls heart.

I prefer recasting it as “I breathe, therefore I am,” as more embodied. You know, inspiration, expiration. Inhale, exhale. It’s more Zen, and the Hebrew word for breath is the same word for soul, so I’ve been told. (And soul equals heart there.)

Action, then, perchance, as a way forward? Even one breath at a time?

Explain any of that, if you can.

Without raising too many more questions.

Now, have a great day.

Stranger trips

STAYING IN A VERY POSH HOTEL in Washington, D.C., where one exterior was angled so the rooms opened out on a large waterslide! I’m torn in making a decision between going to the National Gallery, a block down the street, or playing in the water instead.

The deal also includes a helicopter ride over downtown Dayton, just a few blocks away.

Obligations/seriousness versus fun/irresponsibility.

 

IN COASTAL FRANCE, RIDING IN a horse-drawn carriage, our guide leaves and I’m expected to pay the driver but I haven’t converted my currency. At last, I say MO-NAY and point to the dollars in my wallet. He laughs and points to a shoreside bank. We enter together, take an elevator down from street level, toward the water, I presume.

 

DRIVING WITH JAMES DOBSON THROUGH rich, plowed farmland – gently rolling, like southern Indiana – but also about to be turned into housing tracts.

We need to take a leak, so we park and climb a small green rise, and at the fence line while taking our pee, I gaze out on a sunny morning pond and see what I think’s an otter. “Look!” As we focus, we realize it’s a brown bear and its companion.

 

THIS TIME, WITH BLONDIE, BEGINS roadside Bucks Co. PA scene from an earlier HODGSON roots quest dream. Soon, however, we are interior, getting intimate – walls, ceiling painted black. We’re interrupted by “Annie,” who has me tied up, ready to be shipped out with burlap bags (of pot?) and recipes for its use. My head is against strange paperback drawings of couples with bizarre tats and piercings. At last Blondie senses Annie, having spaced off somewhere else, has forgotten, for now, unties me. “You’ve got to go, now,” coins falling from my pockets all over the dark place. Me, in overalls! No time to chase the coins. “You’ve got to go. NOW!” Expelling me out onto a downtown, then my high school, Watervliet, daylight, all from other recent nights. She cannot come along. Held hostage, by her kids.

Oh, freedom!

There had been endless dreams of chasing after her and trying to catch up but failing. Curiously little from the time we were actually together. But, then, one night, I have one where she’s trying to catch up with me but can’t, unlike all the other times when I had been trying to catch her. And at that moment, I was free.

And then?

TRAVELING, BACKPACKING, with a female companion. We stop for the night, a small hilltop lodge. Next morning, she cannot be found. Has taken a walk. Later, down the pathway, a cabin has burned. Something the hostess says about an old hermit who lived there. And the host, “You won’t want to look there,” a warning. She had insisted on going off on the walk alone. Finally, I realize I must move on, alone.

 

I’M RIDING A BICYCLE, MAYBE even in Ohio. Beside me, on my right, is a blonde, short athletic hair (blue eyed?), mid-20s runner. We share an attraction, but light, playful, not sticky.

From behind my left side, then, up comes running another figure – as she catches up, more or less, it’s the golden goddess of my past! Shortly afterward, the roadway begins heading stiffly uphill.

My attention – and desire – shifts to her, despite the fact the other is clearly healthier for me. But I determine to ride on and redouble my effort. Fading as I lurch uphill.

Significant I was going somewhere – on my way – this time I wasn’t being blindsided, either, yet she wasn’t ahead. Her darkness or danger became apparent as I retold the dream.

 

NOW AS A VAMPIRE, AN INSOMNIAC GHOST. Her unimaginably long hair’s cut short, a different nose, too. Leading me out of my way: Dayton, Wayne Avenue, and Seventh Street area – not that I’m in love with her or anything but rather holding her accountable. Not taking any shit from her, but firm.

And then dismembering her, for a change. Not that a dream offers details of the carnage, or that I would ever possibly be able to do such a thing in reality. But in this sense, I could detach myself from her piece by piece, and that has remained very terrifying.

 

SHE APPROACHES ME, REBUFFED. The golden goddess has aged, grown flabby, lost her girlish charm, even the edge of her serious demeanor. In their place, a stupor.

She falls behind, cannot catch up. I’ve gained strength and move on. There are no words that bridge us.