If you’re among those of us who have some reticence or even dread about attending social gatherings where you have to engage in small talk – with strangers, no less – I’m offering this. Admittedly, mostly for my own reference, as needed. Please, please, add to the list when it comes to comments.
Get ready to tell an offending bore:
- “It’s hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.”
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “Thanks for sharing your misery. Now just go away.”
- “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
- “You’re so ugly you make blind kids cry.”
- “Your expertise in my life is both unexpected and unnecessary.”
- “I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.”
- “If you were twice as smart as you are, you’d be half as smart as you think you are.”
- “May you stink forever. Just the way you are.”
- “Keep rolling your eyes, and you might find a brain back there.”
If your slicing and dicing of their mental lack of ability doesn’t do the trick, you can turn to their vanity or birth origins.
- “You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.”
- “You are depriving some village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
- “Your parents are disappointed in you.”
- “It was called a jumpoline before your mom jumped on it.”
- “You’ll never need birth control with a personality like that.”
- “Oh, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
- “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
- “People who tolerate you on a daily basis are real heroes.”
- “You should really come with a warning label.”
I really do regret not having these when the character of Cassia was emerging in my novel What’s Left, they’re right up her alley. To continue in what’s becoming my first-ever Triple Tendrils:
- “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.”
- “You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.”
- “I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.”
- “Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.”
- “You look like a ‘before’ picture.”
- “You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.”
- “I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.”
- “If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.”
- “You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.” Or, “I believed in evolution until I met you.”
- “I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.”
I suspect this just touches the surface of what’s exchanged on the scrimmage line of professional football games.
Besides, please remember, when somebody says, “Where have I seen you before?,” just reply, “I’m a porn star.” Or at least, “Was.”
Jnana's Red Barn 